Loving People

What does it really mean to love someone? I've asked myself that question at least an hundred times. I have a huge family and many friends that I feel I love. There are people in my life that mean a great deal to me and those that I would fiercely argue that I love, but what does that mean in the living of it? Well, love is a choice first of all, and it is a sacrifice second of all. So many times we get caught up in the part of love that feels good. We enjoy the way it makes us feel, we enjoy the "perks" that love brings - the warmth, the security, the hugs, kisses, comforting words, shoulders to cry on - but what about the work that love entails? We often forget about that and then when called on to exercise real love we fail miserably because we don't like how it feels. With love comes pain and hardship. When you choose to love someone you make a choice to love them good or bad, rain or shine, whether or not they treat you right, because love is not about receiving, it's about giving. That's a hard pill to swallow sometimes. We want those we love to love us the way we love them, to do for us what we do for them, to treat us in the way we feel we treat them, and sometimes we expect them to show us love in the same way we show them love. But that is not loving someone. That is being selfish and loving ourselves. I Corinthians 13 is an entire chapter on the characteristics of love, and it's an enlightening read on what love truly is. It says love is patient and kind. That means that it is never impatient or unkind. In every circumstance, when someone is at their best or worst, no matter how they act or what happens, if you love them you will have patience and be able to maintain kindness. Is this hard to do? Absolutely! But if you really love someone it can be done. I Corinthians 13 also says that love does not act unbecomingly, it does not seek to do that which pleases itself but what serves the other person better, it doesn't insist on its own rights or its own way, and it isn't resentful or fretful. These are all things that are a challenge for me in my relationships with those I love. I become frustrated with how someone is treating me, irritated that I am not getting as much as I am giving, annoyed that I have to put up with the faults and shortcomings of others, and fretful that maybe I am not loved as much as I love. It takes the Holy Spirit reminding me that I am not truly loving someone when I am acting this way to get me back on track. At times it seems it is impossible to live out this explanation of love, but then I have to remember as well that God is love, He is the originator and provider of love, and only He can put true love in our hearts for others. If He puts the love there then He will help us to live it out the way it was intended to be lived out. The only thing we have to do is choose to live love out, to let the Lord help us when we can't do it on our own, and to put those we love before ourselves. Then we will truly be loving someone. This is a hard lesson to learn and I have by no means learned it, but I want to. I know there are those I really love, those God has put a special love for in my heart, and I want to really love them. When it's all said and done, I think that learning to truly love someone helps you to love them even more. I think it's loving through the good and the bad together that draws you closer together to those you love. For every time you choose to live out your love for someone it makes your love for them grow stronger. I won't say that it makes it easier to make the right choice, but it does help you to form the habit of doing the right thing, which is good for both you and those you love. Yes, truly loving someone is hard work, but it is possible and so worth the effort.

Running

I went running last night and it felt soooo good. I hadn't been in a week and I knew if I didn't get started again I would lose my habit that I have started forming. Fortunately my friend said she wanted to go too. I was thrilled to have a partner; but I was a bit worried that I would be found sadly lacking in the area of physical fitness. My friend runs quite a bit and the last time we ran together I was totally pathetic. I couldn't keep up with her at all. She would want to run I would be barely making it and wanting to stop. "Oh, well," I thought, "At least you can use it as motivation to push yourself and accomplish more." So, off we went. We got to the park and started to walk to warm ourselves up. It gave us a great chance to talk and catch up as well. About a half-mile later we started to run. I turned my music on to motivate me and started jogging at a comfortable pace. It felt good to be moving again. I had been pretty much physically inactive for the past week. I hadn't really had a chance to stretch my muscles or use them for anything physically challenging and they were thanking me for putting them to use. I moved along entering my comfortable pace, moving my body in rhythm to the music in my earphones. My breath was coming easily and I felt like I could run at least a mile. We continued for just over a half-mile. I started to notice that my friend was falling behind and I wondered if maybe it was because my legs are longer so my stride is longer. We stopped to walk for a bit. I noticed she was breathing a bit hard and she then informed me that I had set a good pace for us, that I was running a pretty fast mile for someone who doesn't run all the time. I was shocked. I always felt like I was moving so slowly and the main focus of my attention was to just keep going. I measured my runs by time spent running and the amount of time my heart rate was elevated. I had never thought that I ran fast, or even at a rapid pace. We talked and walked for a while longer and then ran another half-mile. I sprinted the last quarter of the stretch. It felt good to rush down the sidewalk, to feel the cool air hit my face and my sweaty self. When I reached the end I was out of breath but I felt so amazingly good. In all we had covered about 3 miles and I didn't feel like I was going to die. I just felt really good. Mostly I was so proud of myself. I have been pushing myself to get in shape for the last several months and I have not had a whole lot of success. Various problems have arisen and laziness has triumphed more than once but I have been successful for at least the last month. Then, last week I wasn't able to do anything and that was really depressing. I hated myself for falling off the wagon, so to speak, but I knew that I was determined to get back on. Running last night was the start of that and I am so happy with what I did. Maybe you wonder why I am going on and on about this or why I even bothered to post about. Well, when you are striving for something and it feels like you are hitting a brick wall every time, it gets rather discouraging to keep going. Good habits are hard to form and hard to maintain. This is something I have wanted for a long time and I am thrilled that I seem to finally be on the right track to achieving it and I am really proud of myself and the progress I have made. I wondered if I would ever really achieve this goal and now I know I can.

Being Positive

I am not naturally of the disposition to be positive. I tend to notice all the terrible things in life and I have an innate knack for picking up on all the flaws around me. My sisters used to kid me that I should be a critic of some sort and then I could make money off my observations and opinions. But, I found that being negative all the time leaves you feeling pretty gloomy. You are always sad or depressed and you are never happy with what you have or what is happening. So, I started down the path of trying to change that part of who I am. It has been a rough path to follow, but I am getting better at it and I usually do best when I sit myself down and give my self a good talking to. Today I had to do just that. I was feeling pretty low. I miss my family, a lot, and I am not so happy with something in my life at the present. I was getting that very depressed feeling and didn't want to do much of anything. I could barely get out of bed this morning and drive to work. Sure, I could blame it on being tired, but truthfully, I was just depressed and feeling really down. So, I got to work and was getting ready to start my day and I decided that I didn't want to feel pessimistic all day. I didn't want to fight feelings of despair and loss for the next 18 hours. I told myself to straighten up and stop all this moping. I could either take what life and God had handed me and be satisfied with it or I could sit around being disgruntled and feeling sorry for myself. I decided that I didn't feel any better when I succumbed to the depression and opted to be positive. I made myself laugh, I made myself look at the day as a gorgeous day that I was happy to be alive in, and I made myself be happy. I decided that I was going to be positive, that I was going to see this as a day that the Lord had made and I was going to be happy and glad in it. It was a split-second decision, but it changed my day. This has been a good day, I am happy to be alive and living this day out, and I am sure that there are worse things in life than the things I have been given to handle, and even if there aren't there would still be something positive to look at even in the midst of the worst situation. So, here's to looking at the brighter side of things, to purposing to be positive, and living a joyful life no matter what is going on around me.

Count Your Blessings

Life is an interesting roller coaster ride that never seems to stop. There are the really great highs and the terrible lows, but at least there seems to be a pretty even amount of both. I have found in my life that for most horrendous situations there is usually something good that can be found. Sometimes it takes a lot of work to find it or a lot of patience to wait for it but it will show up. One comfort I have is that there is not only the presence of darkness in this world, but also the presence of light. The night will come. There is nothing I can do to stop it or even control it in any way. But, the morning will also always come and with it bring hope for a new day. I've been trying to learn to see the hope of the new day and focus on that rather than allowing myself to be caught up in the blackness of the night all around me. When I take the time to notice I can see that there are little hints of light in just about every situation I find myself. There are smiles and laughter with friends, there are hugs and kisses from those you love, there is strength and support from those closest to you, and there is advice and encouragement from those you have come to trust. There's an old hymn that came to mind today. It's called "Count Your Blessings". It talks about taking the time and effort to stop and notice all the good things that God has done in your life, all the great gifts He has given you. The song says that if you will stop and count your blessings you will be surprised at what the Lord has done for you and you will be filled with gratitude instead of being disgruntled about whatever it is that is bothering you. Today, I had to stop and count my blessings and I have found that I have quite a few. Sure, there are some things that aren't blessings, but I've found upon closer examination that there are some things that appear terrible, but they have a blessing hidden inside them. I have a family, amazing friends, good health, my needs are basically met, and I have a wonderful Savior Who never fails me, never leaves me. I am truly blessed. So, no matter what I am facing right now, no matter what comes up, no matter how many times the cart dips on my life's roller coaster, I can be content. The Lord promised He would not give me more than I can handle, which means if I can't do it in and of myself then He will give me the strength to do it, and He has provided some very helpful resources to help navigate all my storms. That's such a comforting thought! So, if you find yourself feeling down or depressed about your life or current situations, try counting your blessings. It really helps.

Getting Something Off My Chest

It's been a rough week. There have been so many things to handle and, I must admit, I don't think I have handled them well. I feel like it's been an off-week for me. I've been mulling over things in my head for the past two weeks and I'm not any closer to having a clear opinion on them than I was when I started. I am feeling so many different emotions right now and I am trying so hard to make sense of them, but somehow I am not succeeding. It becomes especially difficult in a situation when you feel something - hurt, frustration, rejection - yet you can't logically make sense of why you feel that way. Or, you know why you feel that way but you wonder if you are really justified in feeling that way or if you are off on some emotional tangent that you will be sorry for later. Then again, if you are still on that tangent for several days there is a good chance it is not a tangent at all and you really do feel that way and there is a reason for it. Hmm. Why is life so complicated at times? I have so many conflicts going on in my head right now. There is a real me, a person on the inside of me that has been formed and created over the past two-plus decades. I have thoughts and opinions about how I should act, what is good and acceptable, and what the definition of a real woman is. I have seen many things, experienced a lot of heartache, and idealized as to what the right way to behave is. The problem is that there are many outside sources that give you so many conflicting responses as to what the real way to be is that they are not a help at all, but rather add to the confusion. I hear, "There is nothing sexier than a strong, independent woman." Then it's, "Cute, girlie, women are so attractive." Someone says I should be stronger and more independent and someone says I should be more feminine and less like a man. I hear that men don't want someone who is totally dependent on them, who clings to them for everything; but men want someone who needs them, someone who makes them feel big and strong. Honestly, my head is spinning! Does anyone really know what a man wants? Does anyone really know what the perfect woman is and how to be it? I guess I am of the opinion that every man is different, just as every woman is different and I would really appreciate it if people would stop comparing me to the other women they know and just let me be me. I'm not certain things, and perhaps that is a bad thing. Perhaps you wish I was different and did things differently, but I don't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I disappoint you. I would like to think, however, that there are things about me, that make up who I am, that are valuable and help to make me an amazing woman in my own way. I cannot be what I am not, and I just wish that, for once, I could be appreciated for what I am. I had no control over the situations and things that happened in my life that have made me what I am. I only had the choice of how I would deal with those things and what kind of person I would be when it was all over. I know there are deficiencies and areas that need improvement, but I don't think I turned out all that bad. Perhaps those around me should spend less time trying to tell me how to be a woman and spend a little more time appreciating the woman that I am, because that is where I am at at this moment. I will change as grow as the days and years go by, but I cannot change what I am right now. Perhaps they should stop and think that maybe I have ideas about what kind of men and women they should be, but I have taken into consideration that they are still growing, still learning, and maybe they don't need my picking at them in their struggle to become who they will be. I appreciate those around me a great deal. I know that putting up with me can be hard to do at times and being in a relationship with me can be tough work; but I can honestly say that I try really hard to be all the good things that I want to be, the things that others want me to be, and I just wonder if those around me ever see it. I'm kind of tired of being examined under a microscope and being found so deficient all the time. I've had a lifetime of that and I'm not sure how much more I can handle. I wish I could just be me and that would be good enough for someone. There are those that say it is, but then, they always have some complaint about me, something they've noticed that I need to change. I'm all for constructive criticism, but when is it constructive and when is it destructive? I don't know. Maybe this post doesn't make much sense to most of you, but they were things I needed to write. Writing is an aid for me in dealing with things. If you, as readers, are ever confused or offended by what I am writing, I am truly sorry, but I use this blog as a way to express myself because it is the only place I can do so without fear of being silenced. Everyone has thoughts, ideas, emotions, and feelings that need to be expressed, but not everyone is blessed with a way or a place to do so. My blog is that place for me. So if you ever stumble across something I've written that seems a bit extreme or just rubs you the wrong way, remember that you have your own thoughts and opinions that would probably be just as shocking to someone else were you to actually share them, and please, afford me a little grace and understanding.

An Experience

I am always amazed by the love and the grace of God. There have been many times, too many to count, in my life in which I have failed the Lord miserably. I have used and abused wonderful gifts He has given me and I have treated that which He has divinely given me as though it was not worthy of divine treatment. I will freely admit that I have made colossal errors and have fallen on my face multiple times. I have failed the Lord in what seem to be some of the simplest of things. Well, I have done it again and I am feeling pretty raunchy about it. I woke up yesterday morning not really feeling like going to church because it felt much better to wallow in the self-loathing and condemnation that filled my mind. HOW could I have screwed up again???? Why couldn't I stop doing this? How pathetic I am! Then, quite by Divine Providence, I decided to check my email. There was one from my little sister - a video link. I was curious as to what the link was so I played it. Scenes from the scourging and crucifixion of Jesus filled the screen as music played and the words "This blood is for you" echoed over and over again. Suddenly, very vividly, I was reminded that the blood of Jesus is what cleanses us from sin, whatever that sin may be and however often we might commit. Jesus' love is never-ending, His grace is always freely offered to us if we will only remember that it is there for us to take. If we will shift our focus off of ourselves and instead fix it on the cross and surrender ourselves to the power of the blood split there then we will always remember that there is forgiveness, there is grace to cover the sin, and there is love to help us continue on. Tears were streaming down my face as I recalled what Jesus had done for me; of what He had suffered and endured so that I would not have to live under the curse of sin. His display of love was the truest and purest that has ever been or ever will be. He still loves me! Even with all my screw ups, with all my willful sinning, with all my wrong choices, with all my stubbornness and pride and all the other hideous things that rear there ugly heads in our lives. Jesus still loves me, He is still willing to forgive me, still hoping that I will accept His grace for my life and the living of it, and His blood is still powerful enough to make the vilest sinner clean. Only God could have established something this wonderful. Only he could have seen that sending His Son 2000 years ago would mean not only immediate redemption from our sins and our dark eternal destiny but continued grace and forgiveness for all the things we would still do wrong in our fallen nature. Only God could love us enough to provide a way to not only start a relationship with Him but help us continue to walk with Him day in and day out. I'm so thankful that He reminded me of that yesterday morning. I left the self-loathing and condemnation behind me and went to church and enjoyed being in His presence, knowing He loves me and He forgives me when I ask.