Getting Something Off My Chest

It's been a rough week. There have been so many things to handle and, I must admit, I don't think I have handled them well. I feel like it's been an off-week for me. I've been mulling over things in my head for the past two weeks and I'm not any closer to having a clear opinion on them than I was when I started. I am feeling so many different emotions right now and I am trying so hard to make sense of them, but somehow I am not succeeding. It becomes especially difficult in a situation when you feel something - hurt, frustration, rejection - yet you can't logically make sense of why you feel that way. Or, you know why you feel that way but you wonder if you are really justified in feeling that way or if you are off on some emotional tangent that you will be sorry for later. Then again, if you are still on that tangent for several days there is a good chance it is not a tangent at all and you really do feel that way and there is a reason for it. Hmm. Why is life so complicated at times? I have so many conflicts going on in my head right now. There is a real me, a person on the inside of me that has been formed and created over the past two-plus decades. I have thoughts and opinions about how I should act, what is good and acceptable, and what the definition of a real woman is. I have seen many things, experienced a lot of heartache, and idealized as to what the right way to behave is. The problem is that there are many outside sources that give you so many conflicting responses as to what the real way to be is that they are not a help at all, but rather add to the confusion. I hear, "There is nothing sexier than a strong, independent woman." Then it's, "Cute, girlie, women are so attractive." Someone says I should be stronger and more independent and someone says I should be more feminine and less like a man. I hear that men don't want someone who is totally dependent on them, who clings to them for everything; but men want someone who needs them, someone who makes them feel big and strong. Honestly, my head is spinning! Does anyone really know what a man wants? Does anyone really know what the perfect woman is and how to be it? I guess I am of the opinion that every man is different, just as every woman is different and I would really appreciate it if people would stop comparing me to the other women they know and just let me be me. I'm not certain things, and perhaps that is a bad thing. Perhaps you wish I was different and did things differently, but I don't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I disappoint you. I would like to think, however, that there are things about me, that make up who I am, that are valuable and help to make me an amazing woman in my own way. I cannot be what I am not, and I just wish that, for once, I could be appreciated for what I am. I had no control over the situations and things that happened in my life that have made me what I am. I only had the choice of how I would deal with those things and what kind of person I would be when it was all over. I know there are deficiencies and areas that need improvement, but I don't think I turned out all that bad. Perhaps those around me should spend less time trying to tell me how to be a woman and spend a little more time appreciating the woman that I am, because that is where I am at at this moment. I will change as grow as the days and years go by, but I cannot change what I am right now. Perhaps they should stop and think that maybe I have ideas about what kind of men and women they should be, but I have taken into consideration that they are still growing, still learning, and maybe they don't need my picking at them in their struggle to become who they will be. I appreciate those around me a great deal. I know that putting up with me can be hard to do at times and being in a relationship with me can be tough work; but I can honestly say that I try really hard to be all the good things that I want to be, the things that others want me to be, and I just wonder if those around me ever see it. I'm kind of tired of being examined under a microscope and being found so deficient all the time. I've had a lifetime of that and I'm not sure how much more I can handle. I wish I could just be me and that would be good enough for someone. There are those that say it is, but then, they always have some complaint about me, something they've noticed that I need to change. I'm all for constructive criticism, but when is it constructive and when is it destructive? I don't know. Maybe this post doesn't make much sense to most of you, but they were things I needed to write. Writing is an aid for me in dealing with things. If you, as readers, are ever confused or offended by what I am writing, I am truly sorry, but I use this blog as a way to express myself because it is the only place I can do so without fear of being silenced. Everyone has thoughts, ideas, emotions, and feelings that need to be expressed, but not everyone is blessed with a way or a place to do so. My blog is that place for me. So if you ever stumble across something I've written that seems a bit extreme or just rubs you the wrong way, remember that you have your own thoughts and opinions that would probably be just as shocking to someone else were you to actually share them, and please, afford me a little grace and understanding.