Hurting Love

Sometimes loving people brings us the greatest hurt in our lives. Yes, they can bring us joy beyond belief, but they can also bring us pain that mirrors the extent of the joy. I've often asked myself the question why I still love some who seem to do their utmost to bring me pain. The only thing close to an answer that I have is that my relationships with them consist of bonds that were forged during the toughest of times and are made up of a common blood line we share. That may not be a rational answer for continuing to love them, but I cannot explain it otherwise. It hurts to love these people, and yet, I cannot imagine my life without them, cannot imagine removing them from my life. The thought has crossed my mind on numerous occasions, but, I cannot justify returning the evil they bestow on me. This is when I need the love and character of Christ to shine through me the most. When the old wounds are hurting and new ones are being inflicted. This is when I need to allow my Savior to be my Lord and not give in to my own desires of what is the best way to handle the situation. While I know this with my head, my heart is screaming something quite different. The pain is unbearable at times, like today, and I want to do whatever it takes to make it stop. However, there is another alternative, albeit a tricky one. I can learn to love these people but without expectation and without allowing myself to be so deeply hurt by the things they do. It's a fine balance between loving but maintaining a safe distance away from them. That's tough for me to do. I want to be involved, to be a part; but that is not possible right now, and I have got to accept that. At least I know that I hurt because I still love them and not because I wish them any harm. I wish only the best for them and pray that someday they will wish the same for me in return.

Among Us

I received an email today that had a short phrase in it that caught my attention. It said something to the effect of life is about loving those close to you and enjoying them while they are among us. The last part of that phrase made me stop and think. Among us - I guess that is what living here on Earth really is, our time among the people here. I have thought often of death and what that experience is. I have tried to understand it and embrace the fact that death is as much a part of the cycle of life as breathing and growing are. Yet, it is hard for me. The finality of death, the loss and pain that it can bring, and the realization that this world will one day give way to another are difficult things to fully grasp. Knowing that one day I may be separated from the one I love is not a pleasant thought. Knowing that my time on this earth will end is not necessarily comforting. I have thought about it in many different ways and reasoned that when the times come for me to cross that bridge, I will be prepared to do so. I have even tried to imagine what it would be like to no longer be a part of my body but to still be living. It is hard to imagine, and because it is, that makes it unpleasant to deal with. We do not like what we cannot understand, what we cannot fully know. I guess that's why the fear of death is something shared by so many. Yet, death is not really final. It is final on this earth, but not in eternity. So, I guess the phrase "among us" is really an accurate one. It embodies the finality and eternity of our lives all in one. An interesting thought.

Hello!!!

Hello, blog! Goodness, it's been forever since I posted here! Actually, it's been forever since I wrote anything non-school related. Yes, graduate school has consumed my life. Well, that and getting married and learning how to be a wife. :) Since I last posted on here I have become Mrs. Darcy and let me tell you, it's been amazing. Planning the wedding was difficult from a distance but everything came together and Mr. Darcy and I were thrilled with the outcome. It was a beautiful wedding and for the first time in my life I felt truly beautiful. There were so many things that were a dream come true and I have many friends and family to thank for that. After the wedding, Mr. Darcy and I went to Hawaii for a whole week and it was absolutely thrilling to see the natural beauty that was everywhere on the island. After that great trip we returned to Colorado - him to start work and me to start summer classes and clinic rotations. We made it through the summer and even managed to take some time to explore the beauty of the Rocky Mountains. Now fall is here and we are once again embroiled in classes and clinic with some job-related work mixed in there. Being married has been a great experience for both of us but is has also been a learning experience. There is a comfort that comes with marriage that I think allows you to grow more and a security that allows you to realize that stumbling and falling along the way is OK. So, because of all the growing I have been doing lately (stumbling and falling included) I have been more and more inclined to resume my blogging. Honestly, I have been DIEING to start writing again. I am anxious to express myself and maybe even get some feedback once in a while. The next few months should bring posts that express what I am going through, what the world around me looks like, and most of all the thoughts that invade my mind and permeate my days. I hope you enjoy!

A Story

There once was a girl who served the king and queen of a small country. This girl was hard working and never asked for anything in return for her services, for she loved the king and queen. Night and day she labored on their estate. She cleaned the yards, managed the house and helped the queen with whatever she might need. When the queen became ill this girl cared for her as one would a beloved parent or friend. For years this girl served her king and queen, giving up all her hopes and dreams in order to give herself fully to whatever they might need.
Despite everything she had done, one day the king and queen took everything this girl had and chased her from their estate. They banished her to a house on the furthest end of their lands and put guards about her to ensure she stayed their. Every few days they would have the guards bring her before them and beat her, demanding that she confess to crimes they claimed she had committed. This went on for days, weeks and months. Finally, in utter brokenness and ruin the girl made the confessions the king and queen demanded of her; but that was not good enough. She was forced to stand before all the people in the land and declare her crimes to them. When the assembly heard the words of the girl they were shocked and bewildered, stunned at what the girl was saying. The crimes she was confessing to were so heinous and cruel that it was hard to believe she had committed them. Still, the guards assured the crowd that what the girl said was true.
As a result of her confession, the girl was ostracized in her own country and made to feel that she was a worthless creature unworthy of love. She lived her life separated from her family and friends, being rejected by those she loved most. As if this were not enough, the king and queen demanded that she be made to repeatedly repent of her crimes and be publicly shamed on a regular basis. The girls closest friends were summoned to the king and queen's estate and told stories about her that horrified them. They were encouraged to have nothing to do with her lest she corrupt them as well. Truly everything this girl has was taken from her and she was treated as though she was a criminal. Her sense of dignity, self-worth and simple human rights were stripped from her and she was left for dead.
What, you may ask, would cause the king and queen to treat the girl in this way? Surely, there must be a reason for such actions on their part. The truth is there was a reason for their behavior, but it was not because of anything the girl did. No, the truth is far uglier than anything the king and queen tried to paint.
Late one night, while the queen slept, the king had gone to the girl and asked for a chance to speak with her. The girl had agreed and when the king spoke, his words shocked and confused the girl. The king told her that he loved her, that he would always love her and that, although he knew it was not right, he was not able to move past it. He wanted to share his feelings with her and see if she reciprocated the feelings. Of course, the girl did not know what to say or do. Here was someone she looked up to, someone she had spent years helping, someone whom she thought had good character. She was sickened by the king's words. Her response to the king was that what he was thinking was all wrong and she could have no part of it.
After saying these words the girl quickly left the conversation to find one of the queen's advisers and tell them what had happened. She didn't know what to do or how to handle the situation and she needed advice from someone she trusted. After hearing the story, the adviser called for another adviser, who was also the chief guard, and they discussed what to do about the matter. They went to the king and tried to reason with him but he insisted that he loved the girl and no one was going to change his mind about it. All through the night they talked, and finally, the king was convinced to stay with the queen and give up the girl.
In the morning the queen was informed of the past night's occurrences. She was heart-broken and devastated by the news but she knew what she must do. She quickly banished the girl from the estate and she and her advisers met with the king to discuss the details of what had happened. When they were done talking about it the king and queen agreed that the only way to handle the situation was to blame the girl and find a way to publicly punish her for wrongdoing so that no one would suspect what had really happened. They had their guards interrogate the girl and nothing could be found that was worth punishing her for, so they began to accuse her of things she had not done. The painted an horrific picture of her and ensured that everyone in the kingdom believed it. The king had committed a sin and the girl had refused to participate in it, but the girl was the one who paid the price for the sin being committed.
Now I ask you - which was worse - the married king propositioning a young girl in his service or the king and queen sacrificing an innocent girl to cover up what the king had done? Is there a right answer? I'm not sure, but it is certainly food for thought.

I Hurt

I hurt today. More than I have in a long time. More than I want to for another long while. Some old wounds were re-opened as I had to discuss things in my past that are painful to talk about. I was actually surprised at how much it hurt. I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't expecting the pain, the ache, the disappointment and devastation to be as deep as the day I first experienced them. But, there they were staring me straight in the face and refusing to go anywhere. I didn't really have the time or energy to deal with them, but they did not ask for my permission to show up. It's amazing to me how much buried and forgotten feelings can still be so strong when resurrected. Amazing how the hurt of a situation that happened so many years ago can still have the poignancy of an event that happened today. This seems to be particularly true of horrifying events. Today I relived one of the most horrifying, devastating events of my life. It is probably one of the deepest betrayals and cruelest treatments of someone I have ever seen. The fact that it was perpetuated by people who said they loved me, loved my family, only made it that much worse. The even more astonishing fact that this was done in the name of protecting what is righteous and holy, carried out by those who profess to live their lives in the imitation of Christ has been the most troubling facet of the whole thing. I cannot wrap my mind around it. I cannot understand it or accept it. I cannot pretend it is not hurtful. I cannot pretend that everything is O.K. I hurt. I ache. My heart is broken. There do not seem to be enough tears to shed, enough sobs to cry. How wish it was not this way.

Notes

It's been a long journey I've been on here in Colorado. There have been so many things that have happened and I feel that in so many ways I have been able to grow and change as I have needed to. There is so much happening with graduate school and my crazy clinic schedule and then planning the wedding has had its own adventures. I have also been traveling a lot these past few months and there is more in the future. There has been so much happen that is seems as though several years have passed in the past 7 months. I feel older in so many ways but then I feel younger in so many ways. My life, as usual, is one dichotomous existence. My last post was about the healing I have started to experience while being here in CO. That healing has continued and is now extended into my family in very incredible ways. My parents were remarried this past month and have started a life together once again after 21 years of separation. From what I can tell they seem very happy and I am thrilled for them. My family seems to be more supportive of my wedding than ever. Mr. Darcy and I spent quite a bit of time with them over the holiday break and I think they have finally come to accept him as a part of my life. I hope they will someday come to love him as I have. Speaking of Mr. Darcy, he and I have started laying out plans for our life together. It's very exciting to talk with him about our future children and looking at where we want to settle down. Most of all I am waiting anxiously for the day when we won't have to say goodbye each night while wishing we were still sitting next to each other. In three months that will be no more and we will start our lives together.
I know I haven't posted much on here in the past few months. I have really wanted to as there have been so many things I want to write about. Time has been the limiting factor but I am hoping to change that. There are a lot of things I am wanting to say, many things I want to share. This blog always has been and still is an excellent outlet for me to express myself and I intend to use it more in the future.