Some Feelings

It's been over a week since I posted and I have that writing bug that won't let me be until I spill my guts on paper, or the internet in this case. It's been a rough week for me. There have been family issues that are beyond difficult that I have had to deal with and there have been school and clinic issues that have not been pleasant. However, there have also been rays of beautiful sunshine that have filled my life in the last week, and have created a nice sort of balance for me. I was Aspen this past weekend and was completely awed by the vast natural beauty there. It's no wonder people love to go there. It's absolutely gorgeous up there. Honestly, I could not sum it up into words if I tried my best. Mr. Darcy and I visited Maroon Bells, which are two of Colorado's 14,000 ft. peaks. The trip was one of the best I have ever had. The mountains are so beautiful and imposing and the scenery is breathtaking. It's so serene and peaceful, so inviting. I felt as though I could sit by the lake and just gaze upon the mountains for the rest of my life. I found myself saying, "You did good, God," as I looked around me. It was absolutely wonderful. I had to return from my sweet repose and start my classes again. It was hard to return, but necessary. This weeks classes have been very demanding with piles of readings and studying and homework to do. I awoke this morning not wanting to go to school at all. I tried to get up and a sick feeling kept pulling me back to my bed. I was so tired and so worn out. I decided to call Mr. Darcy and see what he had to suggest. He talked me out of bed and offered to drive me to school so I could get there on time. He was wonderful. Seeing him and letting him push me along was a big help in getting me started on this important day for me. I needed to go to school, but I had no drive to do so. I am so thankful for him and all he does to help me. On a side note, I am wearing jeans today that I have tried to fit into for over a year. I am so proud of the fact that I have been able to start on the road of getting in shape and am starting to see real results. Hooray me!!! So, I made it through this day and am almost done with the week. Although it's been a bit on the rough side and I am somewhat tattered from it I have learned some things and have a better perspective of what I need to do to succeed here in my new life. This in encouraging to me because it means I have not suffered in vain and I am still excited about what this new life has to offer me.

Thoughts

I don't know if anyone even reads this blog or even cares about it but I need to write and that's what it's for anyway. So if you're out there, great! If not, oh well. It's been one of those days (weeks is probably more like it) and I am really low right now. It's not that everything is terrible; it's not. For the most part my life is fantastic right now, but there are some key areas where things are not so rosy and they are really getting to me. I find it hard to understand why people can believe certain things and behave in certain ways and this is a real struggle for me. I need to be able to understand why things are happening; yet, sometimes that does not appear to be possible. When I don't understand I feel powerless to change the situation and frustrated with beating what seems to be a brick wall. I hate that! I hate when things are so crazy that all you can do is step back and ask "why?" It doesn't help when they are crazy to the point where you can't really share them with too many people lest you be viewed as insane or worse yet 'abnormal' (roll eyes). I just get sick of feeling like I have to pretend all the time. I want to be a strong person who can push through things and act as though they don't affect me, but the truth is they do, and they do in a big way. I'm affected. There, I said it. If that makes me weak, I'm sorry. At least it's the truth. I'm affected when my family treats me like I'm not family and attempts to wage holy war on me in order to achieve their twisted ideals of righteousness. I'm affected when years of bad decisions that I was coerced into making continue to have negative consequences today, consequences that I can't seem to get away from. I'm affected when I need a shoulder to cry on and the closest one can only seem to lecture me on how to be a better person. I'm affected. I hurt. Still, somehow I am supposed to pretend that things are fine and I am not affected. I am supposed to put a smile on my face and keep right on going. I am not supposed to say to the person who says, "How are you?", "I'm terrible. And yourself?" No, that would never do. I am not supposed to show what is really going on. We don't do that. Society demands that we continue to play the roles allotted us in the time frames given and no one has time to stop for someone who can't seem to handle it all. What a world we live in. I wish I could change it; but I can't. So, I will pick myself up and keep trying to pretend that I can 'handle' it. Maybe some day I will get the hang of it.