Thoughts

I don't know if anyone even reads this blog or even cares about it but I need to write and that's what it's for anyway. So if you're out there, great! If not, oh well. It's been one of those days (weeks is probably more like it) and I am really low right now. It's not that everything is terrible; it's not. For the most part my life is fantastic right now, but there are some key areas where things are not so rosy and they are really getting to me. I find it hard to understand why people can believe certain things and behave in certain ways and this is a real struggle for me. I need to be able to understand why things are happening; yet, sometimes that does not appear to be possible. When I don't understand I feel powerless to change the situation and frustrated with beating what seems to be a brick wall. I hate that! I hate when things are so crazy that all you can do is step back and ask "why?" It doesn't help when they are crazy to the point where you can't really share them with too many people lest you be viewed as insane or worse yet 'abnormal' (roll eyes). I just get sick of feeling like I have to pretend all the time. I want to be a strong person who can push through things and act as though they don't affect me, but the truth is they do, and they do in a big way. I'm affected. There, I said it. If that makes me weak, I'm sorry. At least it's the truth. I'm affected when my family treats me like I'm not family and attempts to wage holy war on me in order to achieve their twisted ideals of righteousness. I'm affected when years of bad decisions that I was coerced into making continue to have negative consequences today, consequences that I can't seem to get away from. I'm affected when I need a shoulder to cry on and the closest one can only seem to lecture me on how to be a better person. I'm affected. I hurt. Still, somehow I am supposed to pretend that things are fine and I am not affected. I am supposed to put a smile on my face and keep right on going. I am not supposed to say to the person who says, "How are you?", "I'm terrible. And yourself?" No, that would never do. I am not supposed to show what is really going on. We don't do that. Society demands that we continue to play the roles allotted us in the time frames given and no one has time to stop for someone who can't seem to handle it all. What a world we live in. I wish I could change it; but I can't. So, I will pick myself up and keep trying to pretend that I can 'handle' it. Maybe some day I will get the hang of it.