Dreams

The month just started and it seems to be gone already. I can't believe how much time flies! I have so many things to do, so many things I want to do, and so many things I will never have the chance to do. I could keep fretting about it, but I have decided that is pretty much pointless and I will focus on what I can do and must do and leave the rest to take care of itself. My schedule has been crazy for the past two months and I keep hoping that it will change, but I am now accepting that it won't, at least not any time soon. I have also decided that instead of wasting valuable time and energy hoping it will loosen up a bit, I am going to focus all my time and energy on doing what I need to do right now and making that as successful as possible. I have a lot of dreams and a lot of ambitions. There are so many things that I want to do and accomplish, and most of them have very little to do with myself. There are so many causes I would like to help, so many people whose lives I would love to touch; but I find myself asking how I do it all. It leads me to often wonder if perhaps someone can dream too much or have too many goals. I don't have an answer for that, but I don't know how to stop myself from dreaming and always reaching, so I just try to do the best I can and pray it is enough for now. It's funny, though, I seem to be that way about so many things in my life. I want to work in my field so badly. My biggest dream is to make a difference in the lives of people living with disorders; and that's what I strive for the most at this point. But, there are so many other things I like to do as well. The musician inside me is always screaming to get out. At this point I would love nothing better than for someone to give me the opportunity to do a concert. I just think it would be so much fun! The stage, the musicians, the music! *Sigh* There are other things as well that I would love to do. There are works I wish I could be involved in and groups I wish I could help. How do I do it all is the question. I have no effective way of doing it right now, but I will keep trying because there is something inside me that drives me and spurs me on. I can't get away from it. I think about it during the day and dream about it at night. The only answer I can see is to keep at it and hope that maybe one day I will be closer to realizing all the dreams I have that I am right now. At least that is a comforting thought.

Hard Times

I am so frustrated! I don't know what to do and I can't even think of anything new to try. I hate things that I do but I can't figure out how to fix them. I hate that I always seem to damage things that I can't fix. I have known for some time now that I am a broken person. I am broken in a lot of ways, some I fully know and others I haven't yet realized. It's sort of like when you know your car is not working properly but you aren't sure what all is wrong with it. You may know that the tires need air and the oil needs to be changed, but you are totally oblivious to the fact that the battery is about to die and the engine has massive problems. That's how I feel; it's how I've felt for a very long time. It's one of the reasons I was always scared of being close to someone. I was afraid that if anyone got to know me really well they would see all the broken things I saw and perhaps find a few more things. I was afraid that the damage would be too much for them to bear and eventually they would leave me with my mess. A little over a year ago I started trying to lay my inhibitions about myself aside and tried forming close relationships. I have to say that much of what I feared has been realized. The closer I get to people the more about myself I see and it's a painful situation. I have really worked on fixing the problems as they come up but it seems that there are so many I can't get a handle on them; and those closest to me seem to be losing their patience. I tell myself that I'm not that terrible, that my problems aren't that bad, but then why do they affect those I care about most in the way that they do? Sometimes I want to just run away until I can fix myself and come back as a whole person; but that's not real life. I have to keep at it, keep trying. I'm doing the best I can and that's all I can do. There are growing pains for sure, and I am sorry for those who have to be around for those pains, but at least I can say I am growing. I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be. For those of you who were hoping otherwise, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I am what I am -- a work in progress. If I trample on your toes or hurt your feelings in the process of my growing I am truly sorry and regret the things I have done to hurt you. Maybe you can do me a favor and stretch the bounds of your ability to love me and just keep rooting for me to reach my goal. I know that's a lot to ask of a person, but isn't that what relationships are about? I hate feeling like I put a drain on those I care about most, or that those I care about don't care to be around me. I am assuming a lot of that has to do with me and I am working on it. All I can ask is that you have some patience and maybe recall to mind that you might have been already or at some time in the future will be in need of loving patience.

About My Week

It's been an interesting week for me. I would say that it's been a little on the rough side but there have been many good things in it too. I had things happen this week that I was not expecting at all and to be quite honest, they really irritated me, but I did learn some things this week. To start off, I learned that God is indeed a merciful God and He is always watching out for me. I had several things I needed to get done and I was not feeling confident about them at all. I was really wanting to give up and just say I couldn't do it, it was too much to handle. Somehow, though, in the midst of it all I found the strength to push myself and to keep going, and now I am really glad I did. I had great news in my classes, which really encouraged me, and I saw again what great friends and family I have, which helped get past some things that I have been personally struggling with. I had a bit of a fiasco at my house this week, but even in that the Lord was so faithful to make provisions and give me just what I needed in that time. I am so thankful for the friends He provided and that He took care of the situation. I have to admit that it was hard for me to look at the glass as "half full", but I decided that I needed to, and now I am glad I did because it really was half full. I have realized about myself that I have learned numerous bad habits over the past several years of my life. Maybe it was my environment and maybe it was my proclivity towards certain weaknesses. Whatever the case, the habits are there and they need to be broken. I know this with my head, but when it comes time to doing something about it or making an active decision to make a change I shy away from what is difficult. I usually resort to what it comfortable, to what is habitual. This week, I think I won a battle in that fight. I realized that knowing you have a problem and not doing anything about it will not solve anything. You have to face it and deal with it, even when that feels extremely unpleasant. I didn't want to remain positive when my house was torn up, or when I was really missing my family, or when I felt like things right now are really hard to deal with; but I made a decision to do so, and now I am really happy I did. There have been a lot of good outcomes this week, despite all the frustrating things, and the good is what I choose to focus on. My house is a bit torn up, sure, but I get new walls and new paint out of it! I miss my family very much, but it will not always be this way and I can continue to work so that it doesn't stay this way. I don't like my crazy schedule and the fact that there is never enough time to do what I want and need to and to see the people I want to see, but it won't always be that way and I can get through this relatively short time of discomfort in order to obtain a goal that is far better. So, despite my crazy week I am feeling much more optimistic and encouraged as I start to face a new week. I know that learning to be positive and focusing on the good rather than the bad is not something learned overnight, but at least I have a good start and I am sticking with it. =D

A Triumph

I knew I needed to go, and I even wanted to go, but still I was hesitant. The thought of going to the gym, any gym, by myself was a terrifying one. I know that many will see that an in irrational fear and wonder what my problem is, but that doesn't stop it from being there. I don't like public places and lots of people, especially when I am feeling most vulnerable. I think that exercising and working out are probably the areas where I am weakest. I have a hard time working on these things when I am alone and the thought of having to do it in front of people, not to mention people who are staring at you, is not a pleasant one for me. Sure, I can ignore them and do what I have to do, but it takes a lot for me to do it. I know that I need to conquer this in order to do the things I need to do to be healthy, but most of my attempts have failed. I usually back out and give in to the fear, and find myself either staying home and doing exercises that do half of what I need or, worse yet, not doing anything at all. I want to do something about this. I have been thinking about it for weeks. This time, I was determined to succeed. I planned it the night before. I took steps to keep myself from backing out. I packed my things and made sure that I had everything so that there would be no excuse to not go. I had talked about this for a long time. I needed to do it. I kept telling myself that it wasn't that big a deal, trying to reassure myself that the task I was about to attempt was something I could do. As I grabbed my bag and headed out the door that morning I was still wondering if I would go through with it. Maybe I would just forget it and come home. I could always do my exercises at home. No, there would be workers at my house that day and I would not be able to exercise there. That was probably a good thing. All morning at work I kept thinking about it. I wanted to be successful but I was scared that I would give up and not go through with it. I kept looking at my bag. I had everything I needed; I just needed to go. I sat through class thinking about it. I thought about just forgetting it for the day. I told myself that I could always do it another day. I then quickly reminded myself that I had said that an hundred times and I still hadn't done it. Class ended and I knew I had to make myself do this. I shouldered my bag and started the trek across campus to the gym. Everything inside me wanted to walk the other way, towards my car, towards my comfort zone. I kept putting one foot in front of the other and finally arrived at the gym.  I walked through the doors, signed in, and headed for the machines.  I started my workout with little to no enthusiasm, but this was a battle with myself, not the exercise equipment.  I found myself to be a fierce foe.  Throughout the entire 45 minutes I was there my body kept telling me to quit.  But I pressed on.  When the timer on the elliptical went off and I stepped down onto hard floor again, I smiled.  I did it!  I beat myself, and that felt good.