Hard Times

I am so frustrated! I don't know what to do and I can't even think of anything new to try. I hate things that I do but I can't figure out how to fix them. I hate that I always seem to damage things that I can't fix. I have known for some time now that I am a broken person. I am broken in a lot of ways, some I fully know and others I haven't yet realized. It's sort of like when you know your car is not working properly but you aren't sure what all is wrong with it. You may know that the tires need air and the oil needs to be changed, but you are totally oblivious to the fact that the battery is about to die and the engine has massive problems. That's how I feel; it's how I've felt for a very long time. It's one of the reasons I was always scared of being close to someone. I was afraid that if anyone got to know me really well they would see all the broken things I saw and perhaps find a few more things. I was afraid that the damage would be too much for them to bear and eventually they would leave me with my mess. A little over a year ago I started trying to lay my inhibitions about myself aside and tried forming close relationships. I have to say that much of what I feared has been realized. The closer I get to people the more about myself I see and it's a painful situation. I have really worked on fixing the problems as they come up but it seems that there are so many I can't get a handle on them; and those closest to me seem to be losing their patience. I tell myself that I'm not that terrible, that my problems aren't that bad, but then why do they affect those I care about most in the way that they do? Sometimes I want to just run away until I can fix myself and come back as a whole person; but that's not real life. I have to keep at it, keep trying. I'm doing the best I can and that's all I can do. There are growing pains for sure, and I am sorry for those who have to be around for those pains, but at least I can say I am growing. I'm not perfect, nor will I ever be. For those of you who were hoping otherwise, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I am what I am -- a work in progress. If I trample on your toes or hurt your feelings in the process of my growing I am truly sorry and regret the things I have done to hurt you. Maybe you can do me a favor and stretch the bounds of your ability to love me and just keep rooting for me to reach my goal. I know that's a lot to ask of a person, but isn't that what relationships are about? I hate feeling like I put a drain on those I care about most, or that those I care about don't care to be around me. I am assuming a lot of that has to do with me and I am working on it. All I can ask is that you have some patience and maybe recall to mind that you might have been already or at some time in the future will be in need of loving patience.