A Triumph

I knew I needed to go, and I even wanted to go, but still I was hesitant. The thought of going to the gym, any gym, by myself was a terrifying one. I know that many will see that an in irrational fear and wonder what my problem is, but that doesn't stop it from being there. I don't like public places and lots of people, especially when I am feeling most vulnerable. I think that exercising and working out are probably the areas where I am weakest. I have a hard time working on these things when I am alone and the thought of having to do it in front of people, not to mention people who are staring at you, is not a pleasant one for me. Sure, I can ignore them and do what I have to do, but it takes a lot for me to do it. I know that I need to conquer this in order to do the things I need to do to be healthy, but most of my attempts have failed. I usually back out and give in to the fear, and find myself either staying home and doing exercises that do half of what I need or, worse yet, not doing anything at all. I want to do something about this. I have been thinking about it for weeks. This time, I was determined to succeed. I planned it the night before. I took steps to keep myself from backing out. I packed my things and made sure that I had everything so that there would be no excuse to not go. I had talked about this for a long time. I needed to do it. I kept telling myself that it wasn't that big a deal, trying to reassure myself that the task I was about to attempt was something I could do. As I grabbed my bag and headed out the door that morning I was still wondering if I would go through with it. Maybe I would just forget it and come home. I could always do my exercises at home. No, there would be workers at my house that day and I would not be able to exercise there. That was probably a good thing. All morning at work I kept thinking about it. I wanted to be successful but I was scared that I would give up and not go through with it. I kept looking at my bag. I had everything I needed; I just needed to go. I sat through class thinking about it. I thought about just forgetting it for the day. I told myself that I could always do it another day. I then quickly reminded myself that I had said that an hundred times and I still hadn't done it. Class ended and I knew I had to make myself do this. I shouldered my bag and started the trek across campus to the gym. Everything inside me wanted to walk the other way, towards my car, towards my comfort zone. I kept putting one foot in front of the other and finally arrived at the gym.  I walked through the doors, signed in, and headed for the machines.  I started my workout with little to no enthusiasm, but this was a battle with myself, not the exercise equipment.  I found myself to be a fierce foe.  Throughout the entire 45 minutes I was there my body kept telling me to quit.  But I pressed on.  When the timer on the elliptical went off and I stepped down onto hard floor again, I smiled.  I did it!  I beat myself, and that felt good.