Today I am thankful. I'm thankful for a husband who is honest with me and loves me, who doesn't shy away from telling me both the good and the bad. A husband who loves me enough to help me be a better person.
Today I am thankful for good memories and the friends who helped me make those memories. I am thankful for the laughter, the tears, the hugs, the adventures, and all the stuff in between. Thankful I can recall those memories at any moment and feel them wrap me up in the biggest virtual/imaginary hug that exists.
Today I am thankful. Despite all the hurts, despite so many uncertainties, despite frustrations and disappointments, despite the gray clouds gathering on the horizon, I am thankful. Despite the voices in my head yelling at me that everything is about to fall apart, I am thankful.
In this moment of so many overwhelming emotions and terrifying fears, in this moment of crushing despair and heart-wrenching sadness, I choose to see the things of beauty all around me. I choose to see the sun hiding behind the ominous clouds. I choose to see the mercy and grace that have ruled my life in generous abundance. I choose to see the love that is all around me and I am thankful.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Thoughts and Ramblings
There's a lot on my mind tonight, so I've taken to blogging to help air it all out. First, I suppose the proper thing to do would be to wish you all a happy new year! 2013 has arrived and it marks the 7th year I have been blogging. Wow, can't believe how time has flown! I also can't believe how much I have documented here on this little blog, nor how much has changed in my life since first I started. Hmm, that last bit sounded a bit "early English". I guess you can tell I've been reading Tolkien lately, hehe. The fantasy is a nice little break from the serious business of life, and the even more serious business of adult life. ;)
As I said in my last blog, Christmas was absolutely wonderful and I really enjoyed the time off with my husband. We went down to Telluride for a few days and spent some time with good friends, relaxing and enjoying the gorgeous natural beauty. It was a nice time to reset before the new year and returning to work. I'm glad I had it, as my first week back at work was a lot of hard work and very little money making. I guess most of my clients felt they were still on holiday, so I had a whopping 5 hours of clinic work in the three days that I went in for clinic work. That only 2 hours more than the total time it took me to drive in. :( Not a good thing, but I am hoping things will get better next week and if all goes well, the month of January should prove to be very busy with clinic work.
Outside of work, there has been a lot on my mind. Last year I lost a nephew, had two new nephews born, and found out there will be another member added sometime next year. There's a lot of joy and sorrow all wrapped up together in that sentence, which describes my feelings on the matter exactly. I still ache when I think of my little nephew and the fact that I never got to meet him. I ache that I will probably never truly know my newest nephews. I do get to see pictures of them, though, and that makes me happy.
Of course, all these babies around makes me anxious to have one of my one, and I have been sorely disappointed the last three months that I have not found myself pregnant. I know, with my logical head, that I have not yet done everything I can, and I'm sure it will happen soon; but, still, I wonder why it is that I have to try so hard rather than it just happening. It makes me worry that maybe something is wrong, or maybe I can't. My husband tells me that is silly, but the worrier in me has the hardest time resisting the doubts.
I think, maybe, that of everything running round and round in my head, my ability to find something to worry about frustrates me the most. It's almost like I need worry like a drug. I don't know how to live life without it. My life can be going along perfectly fine and I can still find something that concerns me. It's as though I need for there to be something wrong in order for things to feel right, as though I don't know how to handle a world or a life where things are not wrong. That scares me. How do you overcome that? How do you keep yourself from constantly worrying and learn to sit back and enjoy life when it is good?
We sang a song in church today, and as we sang the words "On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand," I had a visions of myself caught in the gales of a fierce storm, with waves crashing around me, lightning streaking above me, and wind howling all around me. It was truly terrifying, but in the midst of this, I was sitting on a large rock, clinging to it with everything in me. Yet, somehow, I knew that it was not my clinging that was holding me on the rock, but the rock itself that was keeping me stable. I could almost feel the rock under my feet holding me up, keeping me safe from the storm around me. Then I realized, that's what Jesus does for me every day. Through all the bad things, the uncertainties, the fears, and the worries, He is the Rock, the one thing that I can cling to, that holds me up, even when I can no longer cling to Him in my own strength or will. It may sound strange, but right now, that is so comforting to me. It doesn't give me answers or calm all the doubts I have, but it does bring me peace.
As I said in my last blog, Christmas was absolutely wonderful and I really enjoyed the time off with my husband. We went down to Telluride for a few days and spent some time with good friends, relaxing and enjoying the gorgeous natural beauty. It was a nice time to reset before the new year and returning to work. I'm glad I had it, as my first week back at work was a lot of hard work and very little money making. I guess most of my clients felt they were still on holiday, so I had a whopping 5 hours of clinic work in the three days that I went in for clinic work. That only 2 hours more than the total time it took me to drive in. :( Not a good thing, but I am hoping things will get better next week and if all goes well, the month of January should prove to be very busy with clinic work.
Outside of work, there has been a lot on my mind. Last year I lost a nephew, had two new nephews born, and found out there will be another member added sometime next year. There's a lot of joy and sorrow all wrapped up together in that sentence, which describes my feelings on the matter exactly. I still ache when I think of my little nephew and the fact that I never got to meet him. I ache that I will probably never truly know my newest nephews. I do get to see pictures of them, though, and that makes me happy.
Of course, all these babies around makes me anxious to have one of my one, and I have been sorely disappointed the last three months that I have not found myself pregnant. I know, with my logical head, that I have not yet done everything I can, and I'm sure it will happen soon; but, still, I wonder why it is that I have to try so hard rather than it just happening. It makes me worry that maybe something is wrong, or maybe I can't. My husband tells me that is silly, but the worrier in me has the hardest time resisting the doubts.
I think, maybe, that of everything running round and round in my head, my ability to find something to worry about frustrates me the most. It's almost like I need worry like a drug. I don't know how to live life without it. My life can be going along perfectly fine and I can still find something that concerns me. It's as though I need for there to be something wrong in order for things to feel right, as though I don't know how to handle a world or a life where things are not wrong. That scares me. How do you overcome that? How do you keep yourself from constantly worrying and learn to sit back and enjoy life when it is good?
We sang a song in church today, and as we sang the words "On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand," I had a visions of myself caught in the gales of a fierce storm, with waves crashing around me, lightning streaking above me, and wind howling all around me. It was truly terrifying, but in the midst of this, I was sitting on a large rock, clinging to it with everything in me. Yet, somehow, I knew that it was not my clinging that was holding me on the rock, but the rock itself that was keeping me stable. I could almost feel the rock under my feet holding me up, keeping me safe from the storm around me. Then I realized, that's what Jesus does for me every day. Through all the bad things, the uncertainties, the fears, and the worries, He is the Rock, the one thing that I can cling to, that holds me up, even when I can no longer cling to Him in my own strength or will. It may sound strange, but right now, that is so comforting to me. It doesn't give me answers or calm all the doubts I have, but it does bring me peace.
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