Rehearsal Follies

I have been rehearsing for a huge July 4th performance at my church. We have spent hours trying to perfect things and tonight was one more stab at getting things right. Tonight, though, everyone was tired, and as a result we ended up with what I call rehearsal follies. There were so many funny things that happened it was a wonder we actually accomplished anything. Here are some of the highlights: one of the girls in the group is consistantly using sign language to say everything everyone is saying while one of the guys tries to mimic her except his signs are totally ridiculous and usually end up with him indicating how ridiculous he thinks this girls is; during one of the big group numbers one of the guys starts acting like a wacked out NSYNC member making huge, overly exaggerated movements as he sways and sings and claps; repititions of numerous lines such as, "The flag was. . . the flag was. . .the flag was. . . What am I supposed to say?"; and guys who were supposed to be interacting with each other but couldn't keep from laughing at each other. Of course there were the blank stares as someone realized that they were supposed to say something but couldn't for the life of them remember what it was or what they were even talking about. My favorite messed up line of the evening came when we were discussing transitions and staging between numbers and we were trying to figure out how to get one of the girls to her position on time. The drummer, trying to help, said, "I know how to get her across town!" and then paused as everyone else broke into laughter. There were slips of the tongue, the bursts of laughter, the missteps, the "technical difficulties" and just general mistakes. As the evening progressed everyone's silly genes came out and by the time rehearsal had ended hardly anyone was being very serious, as can be attested to by the director starting to read one of the readings and being entirely too dramatic and continuing on even when everyone protested she stop. When one of the group noted that it was after 10 p.m. the director said, "Oh, too bad. We were having so much fun!" Of course, that didn't keep everyone from clearing the building in a matter of minutes. I guess no one thought we were having so much fun we shouldn't go home. We did actually accomplish a lot of work tonight, but we also had quite the number of follies, but I'm glad we did.

Sweet Peace

"What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear.
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer.
Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pain we bear.
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer."
Those are the words to one of my favorite songs. Perhaps I like them so much because they have been so true throughout my life. There has been no better friend than Jesus and truly I have found a solace in Him countless times. He is the reason I am still standing on my own two feet today, still in my right mind (yes, I believe I am even if you don't), able to be successful and strive to be more successful. It is always amazing to me how much of a comfort Jesus is and what He can do when I go to Him in prayer. My life right now is hard, for numerous reasons, but somehow I am at total peace and I have real joy. The only reason for this is Jesus and His precious Holy Spirit. When I fall on my face in prayer and ask Him to help me do what I have not the strength to do, He always comes through for me. I was reminded of a Scripture last night that says, "I can do all things through Christ Who is my strength." When I go to God in prayer and cry out to Him for help there is nothing I cannot do with His help. I can face the most difficult situation, I can win the the most dreadful struggle, I can deal with the most awful hurt and pain, I can always do what's right when He is my strength. I can't do it on my own, but I can lean back into the arms of Jesus and rest in Him knowing there is no greater friend than He and He will take care of me. It is truly wonderful to have the peace that passes all understanding guarding your heart and your mind, giving you the strength to do what God has asked of you and renewing your faith, hope, and joy while you are doing it.

Precious Moments

There are moments in our lives that make our crazy day-to-day living all worth it. I call these precious moments. I had one today with my nephew. I had just brought him in from swimming and was setting him up to watch his favorite dvd. I leaned over to kiss him and tell him that I love him and he kissed me with his wet cold swimming lips and said, "I wove you". He says "I love you" with all the sincerity someone could say it. There are no hidden agendas, no feelings of obligation, just simple love. His big brown eyes look up at me with such innocence. I want to take him and hold him forever. I know I probably shouldn't say it, but I hope he won't grow up. I know he will, but there's a part of me that wants him to remain the sweet, innocent little boy he is now.
There are other precious moments, like when someone does something small for you that maybe no one else would notice, but they notice you need something and silently get it for you, and it means a lot to you. Moments when you feel like your heart will break because you love someone so much. Moments when your family lets you know how much they love you, just when you thought they would be so much better off without you. I could go on forever, but I won't. These moments make life special and it some ways make it worth living. It's the times when you express and receive love that make living enjoyable and the precious moments we all experience are the bright spots in our lives.

SomeThoughts Not My Own

I've been doing a lot of reading lately and I've found so many things that are good thoughts from other people. Today I want to post some from Oswald Chambers.

Discipleship is based on devotion to Jesus Christ, not on adherence to a belief or a creed. "If any man come to Me and hate not . . . , he cannot be My disciple." There is no argument and no compulsion, but simply - If you would be My disciple, you must be devoted to Me. A man touched by the Spirit of God suddenly says - "Now I see Who Jesus is," and that is the source of devotion.
To-day we have substituted credal belief for personal belief, and that is why so many are devoted to causes and so few devoted to Jesus Christ. People do not want to be devoted to Jesus, but only to the cause He started. Jesus Christ is a source of deep offence to the educated mind of to-day that does not want Him in any other way than as a Comrade. Our Lord's first obedience was to the will of His Father, not to the needs of men; the saving of men was the natural outcome of His obedience to the Father. If I am devoted to the cause of humanity only, I will soon be exhausted and come to the place where my love will falter; but if I love Jesus Christ personally and passionately, I can serve humanity though men treat me as a door-mat. The secret of a disciple's life is devotion to Jesus Christ, and the characteristic of the life is its unobtrusiveness. It is like a corn of wheat, which falls into the ground and dies, but presently it will spring up and alter the whole landscape (John 12:24).

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friend." . . . "I have called you friends." John 15:13, 15

Jesus does not ask me to die for Him, but to lay down my life for Him. Peter said - "I will lay down my life for Thy sake" and he meant it; his sense of the heroic was magnificent. It would be a bad thing to be incapable of making such a declaration as Peter made; the sense of our duty is only realized by our sense of the heroic. Has the Lord ever asked you - "Wilt thou lay down thy life for My sake?" It is far easier to die than to lay down the life day in and day out with the sense of the high calling. We are not made for brilliant moments, but we have to walk in the light of them in ordinary ways. There was only one brilliant moment in the life of Jesus, and that was on the Mount of Transfiguration; then He emptied Himself the second time of His glory, and came down into the demon-possessed valley. For thirty-three years Jesus laid out His life to do the will of His Father, and, John says, "we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren." It is contrary to human nature to do it.
If I am a friend of Jesus, I have deliberately and carefully to lay down my life for Him. It is difficult, and thank God it is difficult. Salvation is easy because it cost God so much, but the manifestation of it in my life is difficult. God saves a man and endues him with the Holy Spirit, and then says in effect - "Now work it out, be loyal to Me, whilst the nature of things round about you would make you disloyal." "I have called you friends." Stand loyal to your Friend, and remember that His honour is at stake in your bodily life.

Something I learned from someone else: "Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust also in Him and He will do it." Psalms. 37:4,5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5 These two Scriptures both talk about trusting God. The Hebrew word for trust means to literally lie on the ground flat on your back. In other words you put yourself in a position where you are totally dependent on something else to hold you up and support you. To trust the Lord means to put myself in a position where I am totally relying on Him to support me and help me and I am leaning on Him, not using one bit of my own strength to accomplish anything. When I trust Him, He takes care of everything including my happiness. This is definitely something I am still working on but I am learning more how to do this day by day.

Caring

My uncle once told me that my heart was too big and if I never learned how to control it I would always get hurt. Well, I still haven't learned. Although I am much better at guarding my heart and usually keep it pretty well locked up, safe from any strangers or prying eyes, I still haven't learned how not to care too much. When I care about someone, I really care. I go out of my way to make things special for them or to help them. I want them to know how important they are to me and that I don't expect anything in return from them, I just enjoy being able to care about them and show them that I care. Unfortunately, this makes for a lot of hurt when I realize that perhaps they don't care as much about me as I do about them. They profess they care, they talk of their intentions to show they care, they attempt to express they care, but ultimately, deep down, they don't really. They enjoy the things I do for them, they feel a little guilty if they don't reciprocate in some way, and they believe that they do care about me, but somehow it's hard to believe they do. It's like the friend who supposedly cares so much for you but knows you so little that they have to ask you what you want if they are going to get you a gift. If they really cared enough to know who you really are they would know what would mean a lot to you and getting a gift wouldn't be about what to buy so much but knowing what would make you happy. The same is true of the friend or relative that is supposed to care so much about you but they can't stop long enough to get you a card for your birthday or even call on said special day. How much do they really care about you? From my viewpoint, if you care about someone you will stop what you are doing and do whatever it takes to let that person know you care. You don't have to spend a bunch of money on them or make a huge deal out of something, but you will make it a point to let them know that they are important enough to you that you took time out of your hectic life and spent energy to let them know you care about them. You made an effort to let them know they are important to you. Perhaps that is what is wrong with me. Maybe my definition of caring is not correct and as such I pour way too much energy into something that is not supposed to be invested in that much. But if I'm wrong I'm going to stay wrong because I enjoy caring about people. I love spending the time to think up what will make someone's birthday special, or how to make someone's day, or just how to let the ones I love know I love them whether on an ordinary day or a special one. I wouldn't trade the feeling of satisfaction you get when you do something for those you love for any of the selfishness and self-absorption that drives those who don't know how to truly care for someone. Maybe my hearts too big and it makes for a whole lot of hurt but I'd rather have hurt and still be able to feel love than to be stone cold and incapable of even feeling any sort of care or concern for someone. So, while I may be hurt by the things done or not done by those I care about, I wouldn't change any of the things I've done to show them I care and maybe one day I'll find someone who understands what I mean when I say I care and will reciprocate - without being told to, hinted at, or being put under pressure - showing me that I mean as much to them as they do to me. We all have to dream, don't we? Well, that's one dream of mine.

Sex

Interesting topic, no? I know sex is not the average blog topic but I have a few things I've been wanting to say on the subject for a while and so, now I will. This will by no means be an extensive discussion on sex, nor will it cover every aspect. There is so much to say on the subject and so many good points to make that it could hardly all be written about in one blog post. So, these are just some of my thoughts and observations on this oh so interesting topic. In today's society sex is everywhere. It would seem the media knows of no better selling tool than sex. Everything from cars to clothing to kitchen appliances is being sold using sex appeal. Socially, sex is everywhere. Sleeping with whomever, whenever, however is all perfectly acceptable. Even those whose conscience seems to be somewhat pricked by the fact that they've had numerous partners still don't see it as something truly terrible. It's just a mistake, a bad decision, or poor behavior. I would argue otherwise. Sex is the most sacred thing two people can share. Sex, as it was intended to be, is the highest form of expression of love and is the most intimate you can become with someone. The person that you give yourself to sexually knows you like no one else. Having sex with someone links you to that person not just physically but emotionally. It's almost like giving someone the opportunity to look into your soul and see who you really are. The world's view of sex is one that fits with the idea of us being animals. Sex is merely our drive to procreate and in the process gratify ourselves. Sleeping with someone is not loving that person, rather it is responding to the urge of our hormones and the desires of our physical bodies. It doesn't matter if you engage in sex with multiple partners because there is no real bond between you, merely a common goal of satisfying each other. How sad. Sex is so much more. When God created man He created woman to go along with him. The man needed a partner, someone that would help him. When God created woman He made her from the man, further making the point that the man would not be complete without the woman and now woman would not be complete without the man. The solution? Marriage. The two would be joined together in order to compliment and complete each other. The one without the other was incomplete; they needed each other in order to be the whole person God intended each of them to be. To seal this union, God designed the man and woman to be joined together not only spiritually, emotionally, and mentally, but physically - the two would become one flesh. Their physical union would be the ultimate union and completion of each other, a symbol of their oneness. Sex was never intended to be merely a physical act that gratifies one physically. It was intended to be an expression of love for the one that completes you, a joining together that makes the two inseparable. It was meant to bring the man and woman together and make their relationship stronger. It lets each know how much they need the other and reassures them that they are loved, of value, and complete when they are joined with their spouse. Outside the bounds of marriage sex looses it's sacred purpose. It becomes cheap and impotent, unable to accomplish what it was designed to accomplish. Sure, it may still feel good, it may satisfy you (at least short term), but it can never be what it should be. It becomes something animalistic with none of the expressions of love and care that make it truly wonderful. Instead of being something that brings two people closer, improves their relationship, and strengthens their commitment to each other, it is something totally selfish and becomes an instrument of destruction ultimately causing pain and heartache not only for the two people involved but anyone else they may have a relationship with in the future. It's almost ironic how sex is touted as such an alluring thing in situations that render it only a fraction of what it really could be and was intended to be. It's like baking a cake with none of the ingredients but flour and water and then decorating it and serving it. It may look appealing but it is not anything like a real cake. While you may be fooled by the imitation, once you've had the real thing the counterfeit is so glaringly noticeable as such. So why do so many people sell out and settle for something far inferior to the real thing? Because waiting is hard and living for yourself, as most do, demands that you satisfy your every desire with little to no thought of how it will affect others. What is tragic is that those who choose to trade the real for the counterfeit don't see that they are cheating themselves and are trading something incredible for something that has no worth or value. The real thing is so incredible and of such value that it should be guarded and treated as such. Waiting to have sex as it was intended to be had gives it its proper due and ensures that when you do engage in it the experience will be amazing and completely worth the wait. Truly, the best things come to those who wait.

Highlights

Ok, so I am not going to post anything great today, maybe tomorrow I will feel brilliant and desire to write something both enlightning and entertaining. For today you will have to settle for highlights from the past few days. Highlights from the weekend: swimming for the first time in a year, hanging out with my friends and just relaxing, getting interested in the Hebrew language and how the Bible was originally written, church on Sunday (one word - awesome!!!!), relief and peace from a very difficult situation. Highlights for this week: being with my nephew and singing Veggie Tales songs as we rolled down the grocery store aisles, hearing him tell me he loves me and then giving me kisses and hugs, a thunderstorm yesterday (love the smell of rain), playing with my nephew in the water/mud and letting him give me a mud bath (literally, I was covered from head to toe in good old Arizona dirt!), planning my vacation with my mom. You know, it's funny, but I've grown closer to my mom in the past four weeks than I have ever been. It's funny how life changes you and how relationships change. I know it's probably a bit late but I have really started viewing myself as a complete adult recently and I think it has helped me with my mom. I am starting to relate to her as an adult and not just the "mom" who always tells me what to do. I know, I know, it seems I'm a bit old to be realizing this, but I don't feel too bad. I had to grow up so fast in so many ways when I was a kid. I'm not really all that sad that it has taken me some time to grow up in at least one area. Anyway, these are some things I have experienced in the past few days. I promise to blog on something of worth tomorrow and even if it's not something of worth at least you know you can always stop here and get a healthy dose of zaniness.

*About Me* I have a hard time telling people that I love them. I don't have a hard time loving them, just letting them know that is the case. I have an uncle to whom I am very close and he was the first person to help me break this habit. I used to talk to him at least once a week (he lived in a different state) and at the end of every phone call he used to tell me he loved me. I would never return the favor, but he didn't let that stop him. He just kept it up until one day I managed to get the words out that seemed so hard to say, "I love you too." Today I am much better at that, but it is still hard for me. I feel like those words carry a committment with them and should only be spoken in complete sincerity and honesty. I don't tell many people that I really care about them, I try to show them, but saying, "I care about you" or "I love you" are not phrases that slip easily from my mouth. Maybe that's not a good thing, but at least those that I have told know I mean it with all my heart and it's not a superficial passing feeling, it is a committment to them.

Nothing Left to Say

What do you say when there is nothing left to say? When you've cried all you can, prayed all you can, thought all you can and said everything you can what do you do? It would appear that being silent is the only option left. Sometimes it is good to talk things over and a lot can be said for keeping the lines of communication open, but there are times when silence is the best option. There are times when communication won't change anything, won't help anything, and could possibly cause more problems and thus is better left out. I'm at that point right now. I wish I could just turn everything off for at least a week and not have to deal or interact with anyone, or at least not be in certain situations with certain people. It's funny: I have quite the imagination and I am known for thinking through every possible scenario every situation could present before I decide on anything, but somehow I am always blindsided by the one thing I never thought about; the one scenario I never imagined myself being in and yet here I am. How I wish my imagination could have prepared me for some of the things I've experienced. But, alas, it hasn't and I am still presented with them and left to deal with them, and deal with them I will. My outlook on things and my view of things has changed considerably in certain areas but now I am spent and there is nothing left to think, nothing left to say. I am tired of the things going round and round in my mind, tired of the things that hurt and prick me with every thought of them, tired of fighting the waves of pain and frustration that seem to intermittently roll over me. I'm tired and I have no desire the speak. So, I'm going to quit. I'm going to step back from all the craziness and wearisome things that have been happening and I am going to take a much-needed break. I don't know how long the break will last or if I will even return in some ways, but I know that when there is nothing left to say and nothing left to do the best thing is to just not say or do anything. I know that nothing comes from nothing and I do not expect the silence to work any great magic but perhaps the solitude will help relieve the pain and bring into focus some of the many things that right now appear so out of focus.

When Life Comes Back to Bite You

Have you ever done anything that you wish you never had? Most people would say yes. I know I have. The worst thing is when those things come back to bite you. Decisions you've made and things you've done don't always have an immediate result, but when the result comes it doesn't matter that it took longer to get there, it still hurts. The worst is when you do something that ends up hurting someone else. That's a double consequence. Not only are you hurt by what you did but you hurt someone else, possibly even someone you care about. Then you not only have to deal with trying to recover for yourself, but you want to help that other person recover as well. Sometimes, though, that isn't possible. There are some things we can't mend, some hurts we can't heal. There are some things that are unforgivable and some things that are unforgettable. There's a saying that time heals all wounds, but that isn't true. The wounds are just temporarily hidden and then they fester and grow until eventually they resurface in some way or another. The only thing to do is to treat them, to deal with them the best you can and let them really heal. Of course, there isn't much we can do to heal the wounds of others. We can offer support and try to be there for them and help them as much as possible, but ultimately they will have to be the ones to heal their wounds. I would say that many times this is not possible without the help of the Lord. Some wounds are just too deep for us to handle on our own, but nothing is too big for Him to handle. I have had many wounds in my life, some I didn't even know where there until recently. Dealing with those things has been really difficult, but I have asked Jesus to help me and with each scar I have had to face He has helped me deal with the underlying pain that brought it about. I know that no matter how big the hurt, and I have had some big ones, I can go to Him and when I'm in His presence there is healing. So when bad decisions come to fruition, whether they be mine or someone else's, at least I have the assurance that there is help for my hurt, peace for my mind, and healing for the deep wounds.

Some Remembering

I am a very nostalgic person. I love memories and they usually have a very strong impact on me. I was remembering today what my life was like last year. I had a very rough first half of the year. By the time June came I felt like I was on the road to recovery. There were so many things that I was struggling with and so many hurts I was trying to deal with. Amidst all this I had hope that things would get better. I didn't know how or when, but I knew they would. This song was one of my favorites during that time. I must have listened to it at least five times every day. It was like the words kept me going, kept reminding me that no matter how bad things looked, God would help me get through it and would cause all things to work together for good.:
"Beauty From Pain"

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain.

If you're wondering why I am recalling all this or even bringing it up, well, I've run into some hurts again. Not anything like I was going through last year, but still, hurts. I remembered this song this morning and that started the memory ball rolling. I have to say that looking back on what I have come through and remembering how much God did for me in the last year has helped immensely. I know that you cannot live this life and avoid problems or avoid dealing with things. But I also know that no matter what the problem or what the situation there will be a resolution and with the Lord that resolution will be a good one.

Great Weekend

To sum up my weekend -- GREAT! I had so much fun this past weekend. Friday night was just great. My niece's graduation was so much fun and everything turned out really well. The ceremony was really special as she marked the first graduate to be a second generation graduate in our church's school. For most schools that is no big deal, but for our small school that is quite the accomplishment. Since she was the only graduate she had a specialized ceremony that included music and speakers of her choice. Favorite point of the ceremony: singing "How I Got Over" by Mahalia Jackson/ Aretha Franklin. It was sooo cool! The reception was awesome as well. We decorated everything for a Mexican fiesta so the decorations were very colorful and we had it outside so all the trees had lights in them and at night it was just incredible to see. The was tons of food - Mexican, of course (Mmmmm!) - and there was music all night long. A Mariachi band played for about an hour and then we plugged in an mp3 to a sound system and blasted everything from hip-hop to rock to jazz. We danced for two hours doing the salsa and cha-cha, disco, line dancing, twisting, freestyle, and even some head banging (ya, the "adults" were lookin' at us a little strangely). Ya, I was sore the next couple days, but nothing too terrible. I wish I could do that more. I had soooooo much fun! It's nice to just let loose and have a good time. Who cares who is looking at you? Saturday I had family over to my house and that was fun, but entertaining is always hard work. There were 27 of us in all! So, by Sunday I was very tired but it was a nice kind of tired. Last night I watched "World Trade Center". I had been meaning to watch the movie since it came out last summer but I had never gotten around to it. Then I rented it last Sunday and it sat at my house for a whole week before I watched it. I am so glad I finally sat down I watched it. It was a really good movie; one of the better ones I have seen this year. I'm not a huge Nicholas Cage fan, mostly because a lot of his movies tend to be pretty stupid, but I have to hand it to him, he is one hell of an actor. The movie was not political at all; just a good picture of some of the events of 9/11. It brought back a lot of memories of that day. It was sobering to remember what happened and how it affected so many people. Also, I think it's important to get a viewpoint of something that happened from those directly affected by it. I won't say that I was unaffected by September 11th, but I was very far removed from the actual occurrences. Watching the movie gave me a different perspective of the events that took place that day. It wasn't a politically motivating movie or even something that made me angry at the terrorists. It made me think of the suffering of the people that were directly affected by the attacks, see what they were going through, and it made me think of all the people I love and care about and question how I would respond if I were in that situation.
So, that was my weekend. I wish there were more like it - maybe there will be.

*About Me* I am a privacy freak! I'm sure that probably doesn't make sense because I have this blog and I post some personal things on it, but believe me, privacy is a big issue for me. Growing up in a large family you learn that privacy is a necessity of life. It is no good having everyone know everything you do, say, or think. Certain things work much better as your property and not as general property. People looking over your shoulder and getting into your business is no good. You do learn how to be very open about things, but you value privacy about certain things much more. So, while I may talk pretty freely and openly about my life growing up or my family in general you won't catch me telling details about pretty much anything in my life and you won't find me doing things like leaving my mail or other correspondence around for anyone to see. My privacy is sacred to me. Don't mess with it!