Caring

My uncle once told me that my heart was too big and if I never learned how to control it I would always get hurt. Well, I still haven't learned. Although I am much better at guarding my heart and usually keep it pretty well locked up, safe from any strangers or prying eyes, I still haven't learned how not to care too much. When I care about someone, I really care. I go out of my way to make things special for them or to help them. I want them to know how important they are to me and that I don't expect anything in return from them, I just enjoy being able to care about them and show them that I care. Unfortunately, this makes for a lot of hurt when I realize that perhaps they don't care as much about me as I do about them. They profess they care, they talk of their intentions to show they care, they attempt to express they care, but ultimately, deep down, they don't really. They enjoy the things I do for them, they feel a little guilty if they don't reciprocate in some way, and they believe that they do care about me, but somehow it's hard to believe they do. It's like the friend who supposedly cares so much for you but knows you so little that they have to ask you what you want if they are going to get you a gift. If they really cared enough to know who you really are they would know what would mean a lot to you and getting a gift wouldn't be about what to buy so much but knowing what would make you happy. The same is true of the friend or relative that is supposed to care so much about you but they can't stop long enough to get you a card for your birthday or even call on said special day. How much do they really care about you? From my viewpoint, if you care about someone you will stop what you are doing and do whatever it takes to let that person know you care. You don't have to spend a bunch of money on them or make a huge deal out of something, but you will make it a point to let them know that they are important enough to you that you took time out of your hectic life and spent energy to let them know you care about them. You made an effort to let them know they are important to you. Perhaps that is what is wrong with me. Maybe my definition of caring is not correct and as such I pour way too much energy into something that is not supposed to be invested in that much. But if I'm wrong I'm going to stay wrong because I enjoy caring about people. I love spending the time to think up what will make someone's birthday special, or how to make someone's day, or just how to let the ones I love know I love them whether on an ordinary day or a special one. I wouldn't trade the feeling of satisfaction you get when you do something for those you love for any of the selfishness and self-absorption that drives those who don't know how to truly care for someone. Maybe my hearts too big and it makes for a whole lot of hurt but I'd rather have hurt and still be able to feel love than to be stone cold and incapable of even feeling any sort of care or concern for someone. So, while I may be hurt by the things done or not done by those I care about, I wouldn't change any of the things I've done to show them I care and maybe one day I'll find someone who understands what I mean when I say I care and will reciprocate - without being told to, hinted at, or being put under pressure - showing me that I mean as much to them as they do to me. We all have to dream, don't we? Well, that's one dream of mine.