It's Friday night and my husband is still at work, so I am home alone without much to do. Well, that's not exactly true. I have things I should be doing, but just don't have the ability or will to do them right now. This week has been one long experience that I refer to as "an introvert meltdown". I've spent a lot of time with people the past couple weeks, have had very little sleep, have had a large amount of work to do, have been traveling, and have been sick. I was pretty much done with the week before it started and I had to fight to get through each day, hoping for the weekend to come as quickly as possible. Now the weekend is here and I am sitting at home processing things.
For those of you who are not introverts, the above paragraph may make no sense to you. I'm sorry. I have no reserves left to explain it to you. For those of you who are introverts, I'm pretty sure you know what I'm talking about.
So, if I am in introvert meltdown mode, why am I blogging? I don't know really. I guess I'm hoping it will help me process things. I have so many things I am feeling and thinking right now that I am somewhat confused as to how they all fit together and what I am supposed to do with them. Writing has always helped me sort things out. Writing also allows me to say things that I wouldn't usually say. I guess, maybe, that's what this post is about.
I haven't blogged in a while because I realized that I was becoming too concerned about how my posts would be received. I was worried that people might be offended by something I said or would misunderstand me and my thoughts. I was afraid that people would judge me for asking questions and exploring certain topics. So, I quit writing. Unfortunately, my brain did not stop thinking or wondering and my opinions did not stop forming or suddenly refuse to make themselves known. Instead, my head has become filled with all the things I am thinking, wondering about, questioning and there was no outlet for it except my poor husband. I'm pretty sure he has wanted to stuff my mouth with thick socks, of the wool variety for extra sound-proofing, these past few months. Since that is not a scenario I am fond of, I've decided to try blogging again. In general, I don't much care what people think about me these days. Perhaps I am getting old and cranky, or perhaps I have just figured out that people's opinions and behaviors have more to do with who and what they are than anything I said or did. Who knows. Whatever the reason may be, I am less concerned with how people respond to this blog and more focused on how I can use it as it was always intended to be used - as an outlet for me to express myself and explore different ideas and topics.
Because this week has been such an epic introvert meltdown for me, I thought that blogging about it would help me get through it. I've tried a few other things, but they didn't really work. I've had more calories, sugar intake, and carb loading in the past 5 days than in all the prior 30 days combined. Maybe that's not true, but it really feels like it is. I haven't been running in 2 weeks, which is making all this bad eating feel even more terrible. In all honesty, though, I don't really feel that bad. I know that come Monday I will be back to my routine and will be running and working out again. My determination to be in better shape has never been higher and I feel that I am slowly but surely making lifestyle changes that have stuck. Two of those changes are regular exercise and eating better. In order to maintain those changes, I know that I have to return to my routine next week, so it will happen.
Besides eating my weight in desserts and fatty foods, I have also done a lot of yelling this week. Most of it has been in my car or at home, and thankfully I did not actually yell at anyone, although I did yell while talking to Mr. Darcy a few times. I did make it clear that I was not angry with him and was not yelling at him, but I'm not so sure he appreciated the distinction. I was surprised by how much yelling I did this week and how angry I was about various things. As I am processing it, I realize that I am probably not all that angry at those things; they just presented as easy targets for my wrath. If I am completely honest, my anger is mostly due to things about my life that I see as unfair or unjust and the realization that I am powerless to do anything about them. I am angry that someone I was taught to love and trust used their position of power to wreak havoc and destruction on so many people. I am angry that there is no justice for the crimes they committed and that their family continues to commit. I am angry that having a child is so damn difficult and that no one seems to have any answers as to why my body is not working. I am mad as hell that in order to get medical help for having a child I have to pay the equivalent of the price of a new car because medical companies here in the US feel that families struggling with infertility are the perfect people to get a lot of money from. I know that if I could just find a way to stop being angry over these things, I would likely stop being angry enough to yell at the guy who cut me off in traffic. I also know that part of having a meltdown means having less reserves to handle the things that bother you. Next week I will not be in meltdown mode. Next week I will not yell at the cars on the road with me, at least not every day. :)
One thing I have not done too much of this week, despite wanting to on many occasions, is cry. I am a crier. It's how I relieve stress. This week, though, I could not cry. I wanted to. I felt like it. But no tears came. That was hard for me. Particularly since last weekend I had to stop myself from crying on numerous occasions when it would not have been a good thing. When I got home and could cry, I was so aggravated that I could not. Part of me wonders if I would have made it through the week if I had. I might have just hit "done" mode and then had to sit on my couch for a day while I collected myself. Again, I know that will sound strange to many of you who have never had an introvert meltdown, but, trust me, it's nothing to be alarmed about. Now that the weekend is here, I actually did have a good cry tonight and have plans to sit on my couch with Mr. Darcy tomorrow and collect myself while he collects himself.
Sometimes processing things means allowing yourself to acknowledge pain and grief. Not everyone cries when they grieve, but I do. As I process the past few weeks and reflect on what lies ahead of me, there are certain painful memories and experiences that I am working through and there are realizations and decisions that I am coming to terms with. These memories, experiences, realizations, and decisions have contributed to my introvert meltdown and I am glad that I now have a couple of days to process and recover in the solitude of my home.
So, here I am at the end of my blog post and I am feeling much better. I certainly feel less like I am having a meltdown. I will still need the weekend to recover and I will likely not see anyone but my dog and my husband. I will become a recluse and recharge my social batteries so I can again see people on Monday. The things I am angry about or upset about will not go away, but I will have more reserves for handling them. I will have a million thoughts and questions race through my mind and I will ponder a variety of things from neuroscience to community programs and maybe even politics. Maybe I will write about those things and maybe it will help me not have another introvert meltdown for a while. :)
