Grieving

My heart is breaking right now and I can't seem to stop the steady flow of tears that started last night when I first heard the news. My nephew was to be born some time in late March or early April. My whole family was anticipating the arrival of this first addition to the next generation in almost 10 years. Then something went terribly wrong and my sister-in-law went into preterm labor. The family fought to find a hospital that would agree to take the baby and treat it since it was less than 24 weeks old. The first hospital sent them home and the second hospital had to be convinced to treat if the baby was born. To make matters worse, the mother started running a temperature and her white blood cell count went up indicating an infections was starting. After 24 hours on antibiotics, the infections was still raging and the mother went into full fledged labor. My nephew was born at 8:15 p.m. last night. He was immediately placed on a ventilator and sent to the NICU. His heart was strong and he came out kicking. We thought, we hoped, he would survive. We knew the first night would be a crucial one for him. After three hours of fighting, his lungs simply couldn't process the oxygen he was receiving and his strong little heart finally gave out. My brother and his wife, along with my parents and my siblings, gathered in the NICU and had the chance to hold the baby and say their goodbyes. It was a precious moment in a tumultuous time. After just a short interval in this world, the baby left for a far better place, and while I know that he is at peace, I cannot help but grieve his passing. There were so many hopes and dreams for this child. He was a life with promise. I cannot pretend to understand why this has happened or how it is that my family was chosen to bear this burden. I can, however, rest in the knowledge that God is the giver of life and He saw fit to allow this child into our lives. It may have been for just a brief period, but it was a gift for which I am grateful. I am so sorry I never got the chance to meet him, to watch him grow and develop the great big personality he was bound to have. I am sad I never got to hold him or give him Auntie hugs and kisses. Yet, I feel so blessed to have been a part of the fight for him to have his brief time here. The hours spent praying, hoping, and believing do not feel like a waste. They were my chance to be a part of his life, and I'm glad I took that chance when I had it.
Still, there is much more grieving ahead and I hurt not only for the loss of my nephew, but also for the tough road ahead for my brother and his wife. This is not a light thing and there will be many dark days ahead. I hope and pray that on those days they will not forget that even though the sky is overcast the sun is still shining behind those clouds and it will eventually break out. Grief is a part of life and sorrows will come for each of us. Right now my heart is heavy with sorrow but I know that joy will come again and when it does, how much sweeter it will seem for the sorrow I have endured.

The New Year

The new year has started and I feel like I have been running to stay up with it. As always there is plenty to do around me and this year I am feeling like I really want to be a part of as much as I can. The only drawback thus far has been my introverted personality. I love seeing people and talking with people, but it takes so much out of me. I've come to realize that I am much better at one-on-one interactions than I am in group settings. Don't get me wrong, I love being with a group of fun people, I just get very overwhelmed by it all and feel like I've been drained of 20 years of my life when it's all over with. Perhaps that's why the idea of a career as a performing musician never really appealed to me. I love music and I love performing, but dealing with people all the time is way scary for me. Oh well, guess I shouldn't psychoanalyze myself too much.

Back to the new year! I have found myself becoming more and more immersed in my work and finding that I like it more than I originally thought I would. It definitely helps when you have the right tools and materials that are appropriate for your clients. This means that I have been on a shopping spree for children's toys and books. My Christmas gift cards were very useful (and cost effective) in helping me accomplish my giant spending spree and now there is a steady stream of packages arriving at my door every few days. I love it! If I haven't mentioned it already on this blog, I love getting things in the mail or via some delivery service. There's something so wonderful about receiving a tangible item that someone else has packed up specifically for you and placed your address in the Send To spot. I just can't get over how wonderful it is. Ok, nerd tangent over. Anyway, work has been busy but good and my social life is steadily growing. I have so many options these days for human interaction that I sometimes find myself having to pick what I most want to do and sticking with that. Of course, the whole overwhelmed introvert thing has to do with how much I limit my schedule, but still, it's fun to have options.
So, I guess this post is really just to say that the new year is looking like it will be busy and fun and overall a great year. I'm sure there will be much to learn and new horizons to cross, but that means an opportunity for some great adventures. Hooray!

A Rant

So, I'm a little peeved, and that usually means I write. When things get me riled up, I usually find that writing my thoughts down helps me settle down. That, unfortunately, means you all are in for a rant. Begin rant:
I hate it when people use the name of God to harm and manipulate others. I hate when people slap the name of God on something that is no more God than I am a blue alien. Why is it so hard for Christians to admit the truth about things that are wrong? Why is it that we feel compelled to defend that which is clearly evil. Why do we have to insist on clinging to something that is bad, telling ourselves that it really is good. I am so sick of hearing the logic "It's not all bad. There really is some good to it." There may be "some good" to it but that doesn't make it right or worthy of you hanging on to it. Don't tell me about the heritage it has, or the merits it had in the past. Chicken left out of the refrigerator for 2 days may have been good chicken at some earlier point, but that doesn't mean it's not rotten now. Do you really want to hang it up in your house as a testament of what it used to be? No! Get rid of it before it smells up your entire house and makes you sick. It's the same with our lives. Too many people are running around holding on to a past that is full of failures and bad mistakes, and instead of just letting it go and starting over they keep living in it and even try to put God's name on it.
I had someone tell me the other day that they were going to hang on to their heritage and fight for their legacy. The heritage and legacy they were referring to is wrapped up in some of the most horrendous abuses of power and mistreatment of human beings known to man; yet, they want to hold on to the "good" in it. I'm sorry, but, there is no good that's worth holding onto. It's just as though this person was standing outside a home that has burnt to the ground, one which before it burnt down was filled with every sort of pest and vermin known to man. Now that person is frantically digging through the rubble trying to find something of value in this house to justify their desire to live there. That's crazy! Right?! Yet, I'm watching it happen in the lives of several people I know. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "WAKE UP!!! There is nothing left there for you! Start over and build a new house that is beautiful and comfortable, that doesn't reek of uncleanliness and isn't filled with horrible memories." How I wish these people could see that they don't have to hold on to the past to ensure they have a heritage. They could start today to build a new heritage; and my guess is the one they start building today will be a whole lot more powerful a heritage than anything they are holding onto from the past. Yet, no matter how simple it seems to me, if they don't come to that conclusion, they will continue in this behavior. It's enough to make me crazy sometimes!
End rant.

Genetic Devastation??

I had a thought today and I thought it was worth sharing. I read an article several weeks ago about poverty and economic environments and their lasting effects on a person. The article covered a research study with results that indicate the effects of your economic environment growing up change your DNA, and thus stay with you well into adulthood. Simply put, something like poverty can change the way your brain works such that the DNA of your cells is changed permanently. You never grow out of it and your thinking and behaviors are forever impacted by the change. This can be seen in a myriad of ways such as your eating habits, your learning tendencies, and your financial habits and behaviors.

In pondering this concept and its implications for human development, I began to wonder about other areas of life. What if all experiences in childhood, not just economic environment, affect our DNA and our development as a whole? Do the emotional and behavioral environments we grow up in change our DNA forever? Specifically, does an early life of devastation, grief, and abuse affect us to such an extent that the very makeup of our physical cells are changed? If so, how do we cope with this? How do we attempt to address this change and account for it in our continued development?


As a person who endured much devastation early in life, I have often wondered to what extent that devastation will continue to play a role in my life. How long will the effects last? How much of my life is affected by my earlier experiences? I can tell you from experience that I am continually surprised to realize just how much my earlier life experiences have shaped me as a person. Sometimes I wonder if the person I have become is truly who I am or the creation of an environment I had no control over. I am sure there are many people out there who could ask themselves the same question and this article on changes in DNA led me to wonder if perhaps there might be actual physical answers to these questions. If something such as our economic environment as a child can impact us to such a point that the very DNA of our cells in altered, is it such a large leap of faith to assume that our emotional and behavioral environments would impact us just as greatly? I don't think so. In fact, I think there is probably a greater probability that an emotional and behavioral environment early in life impacts you for the rest of your life.

If this is the case, and our earlier experiences do indeed change our DNA, what does that mean for those of us who had a traumatic early environment? What does it mean for us as we try to heal and grow in a new healthy environment? I've often asked myself how long it would take me to no longer be affected by my past. Yet, if the findings of the above mentioned article are true and can be applied to more than just early economic environment, it seems there is a chance that I will never truly be able to "get over" my past. It seems that certain parts of me have been forever altered and will forever affect the way I make decisions, the way I feel, the way I learn to do new things, and the perspectives I have on just about anything. While that completely makes sense to me, it is also very frightening. While trying to recover, you tell yourself that much of what you are going through is all in your head and if you just learn to think differently about things, you will recover much faster and much better. You like to think that the struggles you are having are all mental and thus can be conquered by changing your thinking. However, if your DNA is affected and has been altered permanently, that suggests that the struggle you are having are not just mental and do not necessarily have some finite end point. This has a lot of terrifying potential outcomes for someone who has endured much devastation early in life. Perhaps this means you will never truly be free of those awful experiences. Perhaps you will never truly rid your mind of the altered way of thinking that took place as a result of those experiences. Perhaps they are somehow then transferable to your offspring. Troubling thoughts for a person like me.

Returning

Well, my vacation is over and I have returned to work and the regular rhythm of my day-to-day life. I can't say that I'm sad to be back, but I'm not delighted either. My time off was nice and it was great to catch up with family and friends. However, I wish I had more time to just relax and before plunging back into my busy schedule. Perhaps it's a god thing I didn't. Certainly my pocketbook couldn't handle much more of a break. I guess it doesn't really matter either way because I am back and things are happening around me left and right. I am thankful, however, that it was a short work week. I have this weekend to catch my breath and organize myself some more before I have to fully submerge myself into my work. I shouldn't complain. I did have 2 weeks off and I do enjoy my job. Life could definitely be worse. So, with that, I will stop whining about having a job and needing to work and I will focus instead on all the great adventures that are waiting for me. :)