Right Now

I know I haven't really posted anything personal or about me specifically in a while. To be very honest, I haven't had much I could post. My world came crashing down around me a week and a half ago I have spent the last 10 days trying to pick up the pieces and glue them back together so that I can have some sort of life. I guess, having never experienced truly loving someone and wanting more than anything in the world to spend the rest of my life with them, I never knew the power such strong emotions had. I have pretty much ceased to exist since that horrible evening when everything came to a screeching halt. I have been a shell of a person who still looks very much real and carries on as though things are all right but inside me there is only a broken heart and hurt that seems to never stop. I keep telling myself to take one day at a time and eventually everything will be fine, but my heart has refused to believe what my head is trying to say. Living this life has become merely a cycle to follow, a routine to get lost in in hopes that the distraction will offer at least some relief from the torment that plagues me night and day. I am not even mad at the person. I still love him more than words can say. In fact, it is maddening to me that he has to see my hurt and that makes him feel bad. I don't want him to hurt and I don't want to hurt him. I just wish somehow I could rewind the clock and cause things to turn out differently. But what would I change? I can't think of anything drastic that I could do to change the outcome and that is frustrating to me. My head hurts from trying to understand everything, my eyes hurt from crying continuously, and my heart hurts from caring too much. My only real source of comfort right now is my Jesus. He has been so wonderful, so loving to me right now. His words are what sustain me day to day; His touch is what keeps me going when I know I can't take one more step forward. I never dreamed life could be this hard, but I have one promise that I am holding onto with everything in me: Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Oh, Lord, how I wish it was morning!