Papers

It's late and I should be in bed, but instead I am sorting through old mail, papers and cards. As I pore over things deciding what to keep and what to toss I find myself reminiscing. Many of the cards bring back memories; some good and some sad. There are sympathy cards from when my grandmother died almost two years ago, birthday cards from years ago that don't say much more than "Happy Birthday" on them, and notes from friends and classmates that recall to my mind times of fun and laughter. Then there are the cards from my family. Various notes that tell me how much they love me, that make me smile because they are corny but cute in only a way that cards from family can be, notes that try to make a point that vocalized words cannot quite make. Here, surrounded by this "stuff" I find myself becoming very emotional. Perhaps it is the memories of the relationships that I miss so much or perhaps it is the reminder of why my life is so complicated. Who knows. Life right now is indeed very complicated. It is difficult, stressful, exciting and bittersweet all at the same time. Yet, through it all I try to maintain a composure that says to the world, and particularly those around me, that everything is alright, I am fine, life is great. I want to be that strong person that I think I am and hope others believe I am. There is no room for broken hearts and tears in a world that keeps moving despite how you are feeling. Still, in the midst of all my papers as no one else is watching, with the reading of each card, the tears fill my eyes and spill down my cheeks. My heart swells and aches for so many things and mourns the loss of so much more. I am sure there are those that would wonder at my sanity at this moment, but I don't care. I am tired of holding everything together, of pretending I am made of steel and cannot be moved. I am tired of pretending that my heart is not broken in a million pieces when it has been shattered seemingly beyond repair. I am tired of the thoughts that haunt me and the knowledge that won't let me be. I am tired of asking "why?" and wondering if I will ever know. Most of all I tired of unhappiness and misfortune crowding my life and filling every area. I am thankful for the tears and the emotion that surges over me. I am grateful I can still feel. Somehow my tears have been a bit of release for me and now I am breathing better and feeling alright. I will go to bed and feel better in the morning. Life will carry on. The sun will rise and set and eventually I will be able to see each new day as a blessing and I will no longer have to pretend everything is great because it really will be. Yes, some day soon things will change; I hope.