Choices

Well, I'm going to attempt to write today. I feel like my mind is one big jumbled mess. There are so many thoughts and I can't seem to make sense out of them. The past few days have been a little hard for me and yesterday I thought I was being tortured. All I wanted to do was stay home in bed. When you cry yourself to sleep and then you only get about 6 hours you don't wake up feeling well. Then you find that you actually have to go to work and face people when all you want to do is be by yourself and that is not a cheering thought either. It took a lot of self-control, keeping to myself mostly, a 20 minute walk, and praying a lot to get me through my morning shift. I felt bad for my co-worker, he probably thought I was the wicked witch of the west. Sorry. The day did seem to get better as it went on. I had my usual rehearsal and then I spent the evening with my nephew. He was having a hard time too so I decided another walk would do us both some good. It was so gorgeous outside and we walked for probably 30 minutes until the sun went down and we had to go inside. Then I gave him a bath and we settled down on the couch in my room to watch a movie together. It was so nice to just sit and snuggle with him. We both fell asleep and we stayed there for a little while until I got up and put him in his room. Then I went to bed at the early hour of 9:00 p.m. So I had about 9 hours of sleep last night. That was good. I still felt a little tired this morning when I got up, but I'll get over that. For some reason dealing with emotional things is ten times as hard as physical work. Anyway, there is still a day and a half left of this weekend and I am going to make it last as long as I can. Monday and all of next week will have its own problems to deal with; I think I will just focus on getting through this weekend and ending up better by the end of it. It's funny how some choices in life are so hard to make but you know they are the right ones. When you make them you feel like you are going to break under the pressure or die because they feel so hard, but the hope that comes from knowing you did the right thing is very comforting. I would rather suffer a little now in doing what's right and have hope that things will turn out for the best than to stick with something I know is wrong merely to feel good for the moment. I had to make one of those hard decisions the other night. It was really hard and I definitely did not want to do it, but I knew it was the right thing to do. I can't say I'm glad I did it, not yet, but I know I will be, eventually. Why? Because it will help me keep my relationship with the Lord at the top of my priorities. Jesus is so precious to me and means more to me than anyone every could and pleasing Him is more important to me than having what I want. There's a song that I grew up hearing in church. My mom used to sing it. It means a lot to me and has become sort of a motto for my life. It became especially real to me when I was getting my degree in music. For fours years I struggled almost every day to do what was right and what was pleasing to the Lord. There were so many opportunities that were presented, so many people that had so many good ideas about how I should live my life, but all of them wanted me to give up Jesus. As I went through school and saw those who went on to have big music careers and have lives that are what everyone in the entertainment industry dreams of, I realized that I had something they didn't and it was more important, more precious, than anything they would ever accomplish - it was Jesus. I performed this song at my senior recital and I want to post the words here because I have found that they are just as true today as they were then and I hope that never changes.
I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold.
I'd rather have Jesus than have riches untold.
I'd rather have Jesus than houses or lands.
I'd rather be lead by His nail-pierced hand.

Than to be the king of a vast domain,
or be held in sin's dread sway.
I'd rather have Jesus than anything
this world affords today.

I'd rather have Jesus than man's applause.
I'd rather be faithful to His dear cause.
I'd rather have Jesus than world-wide fame.
I'd rather be true to His holy name.

Than to be the king of a vast domain,
or be held in sin's dread sway.
I'd rather have Jesus than anything
this world affords today.

For He's fairer than the lily of rarest bloom.
He's sweeter than honey from the honeycomb.
He's all that my hungering spirit needs.
I'd rather have Jesus and let Him lead.

Than to be the king of a vast domain,
or be held in sin's dread sway.
I'd rather have Jesus than anything
this world affords today.

These are some of my own thoughts.
So many dreams,
So many desires,
So many hopes,
So many needs.
So many fears,
So many faults,
So many obstacles
to overcome.
Only one true Hope,
Only one true Love,
Only one true Purpose
for living.
Only one true Friend,
Only one true Saviour,
Only one true Provider
Who supplies all my needs.

I guess I was able to write after all. I'm glad I did.