Disappointment

I hate being a disappointment. I feel like all my life I've let people down. I haven't been able to live up to anyone's expectations for me, I haven't been able to accomplish any of the things that people in my life have expected of me. The worst is feeling that somehow in letting them down I have let myself down, but I don't really feel that I have let myself down. I've never expected great things from myself, never demanded that I be some super-human example of life here on this earth, and never assumed that somehow I am better in some way or another than those around me. I have always viewed myself as a "plain-jane" with the same attributes and qualities as most people. I don't see myself as a stand-out person with any amazing talents or gifts. Sure, I have talents, I have gifts, and I am blessed in many ways, but I don't see that as superior. Everyone has those things. Yet, despite this view of myself, those around me have always expected that I would accomplish something "great". I have never, for the life of me, been able to understand this and the thing it has brought about in my life has been the feeling that I disappoint those who matter most to me. I guess because I don't expect great things from myself I don't disappoint myself, but why is it not that way for others. Don't get me wrong - I have high standards for myself and demand my best in whatever I do, but those are rules to guide my life, not determinants on how successful I am in the eyes of those around me. Maybe the problem lies in giving too much credence to what people think of me and what I have done this far with my life, but I find that it is very difficult to ignore what those who are close to me think of me. Maybe I should grow a thicker skin and just not care, but then, isn't that what caring about people is partly about? That's why they have an influence on you and you on them. I don't know. Maybe my musings are confusing and baseless, but I find that they come back to me over and over again. I hate the feeling of being found wanting, of feeling that I am not as good as someone would wish me to be, of feeling that I lack in some way and at the bottom of all of it is a sense that somehow it is all my fault. Hmm. Well, these are certainly not well developed thoughts, but, they are on my mind so I figured I'd post about them.