Saturday, September 28, 2013

Thoughts

There are so many thoughts running around in my head tonight.  There are things I want to say, things I want to mull over and work through, things I want to remember, and futures I want to dream about.  As happens so frequently with me, my thoughts have overwhelmed me and I find it hard to put them on paper.  Sometimes I wonder why it is that my thoughts have to rush in like torrential rains, and then why they have to stay and swirl around like churning oceans waters.  Why is it that I cannot think of things one at a time rather than 500 things at a times?  Even as I write this I find myself wanting to say so many things but having a hard time focusing on one specific thing to write about.  Perhaps things are more difficult right now because there has been so much happening recently.  Or, perhaps it is this time of year, which is always somewhat hard for me.  I could go on and on wondering why, but I have never found that to be helpful.  What seems to be most helpful is just talking about what I am thinking.

A few months ago I blogged about making some changes in my life.  I talked about some goals I had that included getting into shape and making healthier choices, trying new things, and working to pay some things off.  While it has not been easy to work towards these goals, I am really happy to say that I have made progress.  I just completed the 3rd straight week of consistently exercising for 6 days out of every week.  The workouts aren't especially grueling or long, and I feel almost embarrassed to admit that.  However, I am really proud that I have stuck with it and it's given me hope that I will continue to stick with it.  I haven't really lost any weight, which is disappointing, but I do feel better about myself.

On the trying new things front, I continue to stretch my horizons, particularly in the food area.  The summer provided all sorts of opportunities to try new foods, and I loved it!  I even spent some time trying new beers. :)  I haven't had nearly as many adventures as I had hoped, but I did have a few that made the summer very enjoyable.  I will continue to look for new foods to try and new adventures to have.  I don't think my focus will be so intense these next few months, but I also think that this has become more of a habit for me, so it doesn't need intense focus.

The financial side of things has been a bit more rough.  It feels that for everything inch I gained, I lost a mile.  There were some good things.  My student loans finally fell below the $100,000 dollar limit, which felt really good.  It's still a lot to pay off, but it helps seeing some progress.  There have been other struggles this summer on the financial front, but I can say that I am learning to stress about it less.  My wonderful husband is so much better at that than me and he is always quick to reassure me that things will be ok.  I do believe that, but I am growing weary of the battle and hope that it will not be too much longer.

There have been so much that has happened for me personally these past few months.  I feel like I am continuing to grow and I am starting to expand my hopes and dreams for the future.  My ideas about what I wish for have changed somewhat and I am finding myself imagining a future that looks very different from the one I always thought would be.  I am starting to realize that just because I am fearful of something not going the way I thought it would doesn't mean it will be a bad thing.  In fact, most times it turns out better than if things had gone the way I had intended them to.

Perhaps the best way to sum up my thoughts right now is to say there are some things that I am more sure of than ever, some things that I have never been more unsure of, and some things that I have realized I have no idea about.  How's that for a summary?  Just as random and chaotic as all the thoughts rolling around in my head right now.  Well, at least it's an accurate representation.

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