Thursday

Well, I took a break for a few days and now I am back. It wasn't that I didn't have anything to write, but rather that I didn't know what to write or how to say what was on my mind. This week has been a little much for me. I have never wanted to be on vacation so badly in my life. Now I am starting to get sick and I'm trying to deal with feeling terrible on top of everything else. Yuck! Oh well. Life goes on and I'm sure I will feel better in a few days. Anyway, this post will be short because I'm not really in the mood to give my thoughts or opinions on anything right now. I guess you all will have to be satisfied with a little longer About Me section.

*About Me* In high school I was the girl none of the guys wanted to date. I was too serious, too intellectual and most of all too commitment oriented. The two lines I got all the time were "you have commitment written all over you" and "You are not the kind of girl someone dates, you're the kind they marry." How I hated those phrases or anything even close to them, but there wasn't much I could do to change anything. My mom didn't allow me to date and I had made a choice to be involved in church ministry so I couldn't exactly just act any way I wanted. My first year of college though, I tried something a little different. I was by myself so I had to make a whole new set of friends and none of them were Christian. I also tried to change the way I was perceived by guys. Although I never did anything that was outrageous I did become the flirtatious tease that dressed in clothes that revealed just enough to get a guy going but not enough to be officially labeled a slut. The result: I was very popular with the guys and I was asked out quite a bit. It was sort of a dance I was in. I would pretend to be one thing and the guys would respond and then I would draw back, not wanting to get too serious with any of them. I was still pretty much the good girl when it came right down to it, and I didn't do anything that was actually horrible, but I definitely played with fire a few times. While all the attention was nice and in my own naive way I thought it was perfectly harmless, the popularity and the knowing that you were desirable wasn't all it was cracked up to be. The problem: I felt cheap and knew that none of these guys cared anything about me and should I open my mouth and utter a sentence that showed any sort of intellectual competence, much less an actual opinion about something, I would have been dropped like a hot potato. The truth was what I wanted really was commitment and respect, and handling myself the way I was wasn't going to get that. I can say that of all the guys I was messing with there was only one or two that really got to know me and respected me and it was the real me, not the silly flirt that knew very little about anything important. Lesson learned: if what you want is cheap and temporal then act the part of a foolish woman and you will undoubtedly get it; if you want something that will last and is of any value then demand of yourself quality behavior that will incite from those around you respect and true affection for who you are.