Insecurities

As a strong independent female who is supposed to be sure of herself and her value I am not supposed to be insecure. Right? Problem: I am. Especially around other women that I feel are viewed as ten times more valuable than myself. I know this is juvenile and completely illogical and my clear-thinking mind is screaming at me for even entertaining the thought that somehow my worth is determined by those around me, but still, it's there. Even when I think I have mastered it it only takes five minutes of being in a room full of men and having some gorgeous, well-composed girl come walking in. It's almost unbelievable how little time it takes for my stomach to tie itself in knots and every imperfection I ever thought or knew I had to flash across my mind and that feeling of being totally insignificant and not even worth the slightest recognition to creep up on me. Of course, I have trained myself well and those thoughts and feelings are the result of years of behavior management training (subconscious, of course), and once I get a hold of myself I can change my state of mind rather well. However, I have noticed that deep down, on the inside, those feelings are very much real, those thoughts are very much a part of me and who I am. It shouldn't be that way. I know with my head what is a healthy way of looking at myself and viewing who and what I am, but my heart still clings to the fear that perhaps I am wrong and I am the sad excuse of a person I fight so hard not to be. I've mentioned recently that I am trying to deal with things in my life that have bothered me for years, areas that need healing. This particular area is one I have avoided at all costs. I have tried to cover it up, ignore it, or deal with it superficially, but now I need to face it head on and put this ghost from the past to rest. I know of several people who have tried this and failed. My only consolation is that God intends for me to be a whole person, free from anything that would drag me down, healed of all hurts, and He will have to help me do this. Perhaps it is hard for some of you to understand where I am coming from. All I can say is it is quite possibly the most difficult thing in the world to change your thinking when you have lived your life for over twenty years thinking you aren't worth anything, your value is only great enough to allow you to exist in this world and all the while hoping against hope that you are wrong and someday you will achieve enough worth to be of value to someone, maybe even attain that status of being priceless to someone. Maybe you think that is a bit dramatic; maybe it is, but the pain, hurt and torment of living like that cannot be summed up into any less dramatic words. Insecurity is quite possibly the worst thing someone, especially a woman, can live with. God did not intend for me to live that way and I don't wish to live that way any longer. So, being the independent, strong woman that I am, who is of value, I am determined to face this monster that has haunted me for years and vanquish it completely whether that take me a week, a month, or several years. I can do all things through Christ Who is my strength and that means even conquer the giant of Insecurity. It may be tough but I will overwhelmingly conquer through Christ Who always leads us in His victorious triumph.