Thoughts

It's beautiful today in Tucson. The sky is slightly overcast making this a somewhat dreary day, but it is a nice sort of dreary, one that promises rain and thunderstorms. There was a cool breeze this morning as the rain from the past few days has cooled down the hot desert. Oh how I wish I could spend my day outside, but that is not to be. Hopefully, though, I will get to watch a great monsoon storm from my living room window later this afternoon. I love watching the clouds roll in over the mountains and the storm descend on Tucson. It's so amazing to watch. Anyway, enough of me being silly. My weekend was good and I am off to face another week of work. This week I hope to get some answers about my academic future. I have decided that I will make a decision about what course of action to take by the end of this week. Either I will give up my dream of a Master's degree and doctoral work in my field of study or I will press on, finding some way to accomplish what I want. I feel like I've been on vacation from my life for several months and it's time for me to refocus myself and get to work. Avoiding things never works because they will still be there waiting for you whenever you decide to actually face them and usually you've lost a precious commodity - time - in the process. You know, life can be tricky to live sometimes and going off course can be something that happens before you ever realize what took place. I came to a realization this weekend: I'm way off course. I was so focused last year, so sure of what I was doing and where I was going, and now I feel hopelessly lost, confused as to which direction to take and unsure of myself and my ability to make proper judgments at this time. BUT, those are only feelings; there is a greater truth to the situation. The truth is that Jesus said He would never leave me or forsake me, even when I take side roads that lead me off course, and He knows which direction I should be heading in and His Spirit is my guide, helping me get back on track and start heading in the right direction again. Whenever I find myself in a mess or in a situation that is not good I always ask myself how I got there and what could I have done to have prevented it. I asked the Lord this morning why I had to go through what I am going through and why things went the way they did, what was He trying to teach me through all of it. His response was that things went the way they did because I have been pretending for so long that I am a whole, complete person, totally satisfied with Jesus, when in reality I am not. I have allowed hurt, scars, emotions and desires to be my lord instead of Jesus. I have looked to people to fill my needs rather than to the One Who is most able to do so. I have spent so much time trying to not be needy rather than just facing the fact that I am and letting Jesus heal me. It's a hard thing to do, a hard thing to admit, but there it is. When Jesus becomes more precious to me than anything on this earth, and I can find my total completion and wholeness in Him, then I will be a complete person, not lacking in any area and no longer susceptible to being run by the people and things around me. I have known for quite some time that I was in desperate need of healing in several areas of my life, but I have not really allowed the Lord to heal me completely. I have looked to people and circumstances to help me, and they fail every time because they cannot do what only my Heavenly Father can do. So, now I am facing things head on, repenting for the things I know I have done wrong and the ways I have helped hurt myself, asking Jesus to heal every part of me that is broken and in need of healing, surrendering every area of my life to Him to do with as He pleases, and learning how to truly lean on the everlasting arms, resting safe and secure in Him.